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Sunday, January 10, 2010

A Simple Choice

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Why do I let the sick parts of my past take over the present, making me sick in the future? This is when I have the choice to make, and it’s really quite simple. “Go over to the refrigerator or the cupboard, and find something to eat.” I’ve been saying this phrase to myself all afternoon, the light fades, and here I still sit, with an empty stomach and a racing heart. There are days when I just will not do it. I can’t even find it in myself to get angry, and I wish that the indifference would frighten me. I need the anger to recover, and I need to eat to feel. It is a vicious cycle, and the kitchen is only a few footsteps away.

7 Comments:

clean and crazy said...

hmm, this one is tough, maybe your block is that you are telling yourself 'go get something to eat' maybe your thought process has figured out a way to make that phrase a bad thing and has blocked you from doing just that. maybe you should say something different to yourself.
you know it is like when an addict says 'i am not going to use drugs today' then goes out and uses. it is like daring your inner addict to prove you are powerless. in your case your e.d.

it is like obsessing over not using causes the addict to use. maybe if you don't obsess over eating something then it wouldn't be such a big deal and you could just get up and have a piece of fruit. don't tell yourself to get something to eat, tell yourself to do something else in the kitchen like make a grocery list or clean, and then if you see something pick it up and take a bit, without thinking about it.

right now in therapy i am working on mindfulness and it is like the opposite of what my suggestion is to you, i need to concentrate, almost meditate on being in the very moment the here and now if you will. to focus on my breathing my footsteps my feelings and to just be aware of them as they come. then to verbally describe them, like if i am having a conversation with Wes, and he says something that upsets me, to say what you just said made me feel upset, not that i know why but that i become aware of my feelings as they come into play and not to let them control my behaviors. so far i am doing really well i think.

anyway i know you will get through this, you deserve good health and food is fuel and your body needs fuel to function. i have faith in you.

Aditya said...

definitely! some choices are so hard to make...


-Aditya
http://agr-luv.blogspot.com

Mike Golch said...

I do not have an answer for you.I try to not let my past dictate my presant and futer.

Poetic Shutterbug said...

It's tough. I wish I had the solution but I don't. All I can say is you have to live in the moment and try to shed the past. Take care my friend.

Ruth said...

(((((HUGS)))))

Miss Sara said...

They (the above commenter’s, well some…) make it seem all so simple, don’t they…? Ha-Ha (sarcasm here)

You and I both know that we need to get to the ROOT of the problem & work through it & DESTROY it so that we can get to the “other” side of our problems.

That’s what you’ve been doing in therapy, I assume. Talking, working, through your past & the reasons why you have chosen an eating disorder as outlet.

In the meantime, you should have a plan (only IF you don’t all ready) on what to do when your mind starts going HERE. Staying focused on the obsessive thoughts isn’t helpful. Once you find a way to re-route your mind and body, then you can begin to practice THAT and make THAT a habit instead of THIS.

Good luck… Hugs & Prayers,

Sara

janaes jewels said...

My heart is bleeding for you.

You are brave to share and will get strength from that as well...

Keep working at what you know to be true and what you know you need to do to get there.

I believe that in blogging and acknowledging your weaknesses (and strengths) that you do keep yourself honest and accountable.

Blessings to you...