Thursday, January 14, 2010

A Crazy Place


I'm back at work this week, and although I'm glad to be there, I'm already feeling exhausted. We have a new student in our classroom, and things have felt out of control and unorganized. I'll be ready to see the end of Friday, and even better, to have a long weekend coming up. Part of the problem I know is that I'm not eating well, and it is affecting my energy level and stamina. I'm not eating all day, and then when I get home, I'm so tired that I barely eat. On top of it all, there is always the eating disorder telling me that I need to lose more weight. I know that I need to be arguing with that voice, but I don't seem to have much of a fighting spirit.
Yesterday I had my therapy and nutritionist sessions. They were both much needed. In therapy I talked about a family issue that has me upset and worried for a family member. I usually share almost everything here in this blog, but this is something that I don't feel comfortable discussing here. It was good to talk about it in therapy though, so that my therapist could help me to understand the issue better.
In my nutritionist session, we talked about the beginnings of my eating disorder, and when it first started to become a problem. It all really started around puberty when my body began to change, and I put on weight rather quickly. I remember being very ashamed of what my body was doing, and that was when I first started the cycle of yo-yo dieting, and food restriction. I stopped eating lunch at school because I didn't want other people, especially my peers, to see me eating. I felt so uncomfortable with my body. I still have problems with having others seeing me eat, which is why I rarely eat at work in front of my co-workers. My nutritionist said that for now, she is just happy that I'm making an effort to eat dinner with my family, so we are going slow with adding in eating lunch at work. I know that it will be coming though, and the thought of it makes me very anxious. I'm pulled in two different directions. There is the recovery side, but then there is the side that seems only to care about being thin. I go back and forth between the two so many times within a single day. My head is a crazy place to be most of the time!


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Missing In Sight said...

I go back and forth on whether or not I want recovery or my eating disorder. What helps me during the times my eating disorder is loud is knowing that ambivalence is part of recovery. It's normal to be scared to give up the eating disorder.

Take care.

Ann said...

Going back to work after a long break can always be exhausting. I can't imagine doing the work you do and not coming home and crashing. You have strength in you and I'm sure you'll find it when you need it most. Hang in there and big hugs to you

stigma no more said...

Hi Angela,
You are so brave to talk about what is going on inside your head, I love that you do so, we all have daily issues we are dealing with and more of us are struggling with them like you. At least you are taking steps to get healthier with a counselor and a nutritionist, think of all those out there that have not made that step yet, so I am sure someday in some way you will inspire someone to get better as well.
Take Care,
Janet :)

Anonymous said...

You need nourishment in your body to keep you focused, to keep your mind strong and your body stronger. You won't have the brain power you need to fight your demons without nourishment, so until you eat and give your body what it is craving, you will never win this battle. You will remain weak and tired and no one can conquer anything under those conditions. You will never have the power you need without nourishing your body and mind. If you feed your body, it will naturally take care of you. If you starve your body it will eventually kill you.