I Am Recovering

I'm tired of the eating disordered thoughts that constantly run through my mind. I wonder if they will eventually fade away, making room for more productive thinking. That is definitely what I am hoping will happen! I have been eating though, so that is an improvement. I'm not up to eating all of my meal plan yet, but I'm doing most of it. I'm still not great at breakfast or snacks, but I'm consistently eating lunch and dinner. The eating disorder likes to try to talk me out of these meals and it is a constant argument in my head, but I'm winning more often than not. I wish I could say that it feels good to win, but I'm not sure how I feel about it to tell the truth. It has been almost a year since my in-patient treatment at Renfrew, and the decision I made that I truly wanted to recover. I mostly wanted recovery for my family, and that is still true. I want to be able to want it for myself, but I'm not all the way there yet. I still have ambivalence, and my thinking is still very much disordered,

but I am recovering.

I am healing.