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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Barriers

"Recovery involves being visible. Ending isolation and coming out from behind a barrier that blocks you from life itself."~Joanne Poppink

This quote really resonates with me because I've always thought of my eating disorder as a way to hide, disappearing from the world, and not only from the world, but from myself. The emergence has been slow, but here I am, in a place I've never really been before. I've always lived inside of my head. I was a quiet, anxious child, even before being raped, and although as I grew older the shyness improved, I was still wary of life and easily overwhelmed. This week I'm hurting, and when I hurt, I want to run far away, withdrawing from everyone. Teenagers are difficult to raise, and both my husband and I are stressed and worried. His reaction is anger, and mine is to close myself off. This does not make for good team work. Sunday night, instead of exploding, he decided to get away to cool off, but he did not tell me that he was leaving the house, and was gone for hours without contacting me. I was hurt, and felt abandoned. My mind goes off in many direction and I become irrational in my thinking. My feeling were disregarded, and left me feeling unimportant. We talked about it last night, but right now I feel unable to let it go. My fear of being left has my stomach tied in knots. Dave wants a couples session, and at least he cares enough to ask for one, although I feel as if I'm failing at everything right now. Parenting...my marriage, and even therapy. My main therapist, whom I feel a strong connection with, wants me to see my trauma therapist more often and that makes me also feel abandoned by her. I know that she only wants me to get the best care, and I also know that it is my way of avoiding talking about it. I'm not feeling very trusting of people in general right now. I think in my mind that when people love you, they don't hurt you, and I know that is unrealistic. I hurt people..
I have some issues to work on. I'm famous for distraction techniques, and I've been falling into those. I do know my weaknesses, so that is a positive. If only I can let go of the hurt.

8 Comments:

Nicole said...

I’m sorry you are struggling and feeling down, Angie. It sounds like you are dealing with a whole lot right now and you probably feel really overwhelmed and drained. I always have to remind myself that no emotion is permanent, they all wax and wane; flowing in and flowing out like drifting ocean waves that rise and swell, then eventually fall and recede.

In stressful situations, my initial reaction is also to just shut down and withdraw, but in times like these it is necessary to let others in and reach out to those around us. You don’t have to carry all of this alone.

Please take good care of yourself and keep holding on, Angie. You are a truly wonderful person and I will always believe in you. You will make it through this.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and sending you all my love <3

<3<3<3
Nicole

Sia Jane said...

I can completely relate to this.
My Anorexia was about being hidden.
It did the opposite as it became obvious things were not right.
But recovery was so scary because I would be seen.
You are being so so brave.
So amazing <3

Eve said...

I can't tell you how much I associate with everything you have written. It is uncanny. I want to encourage you though, that you indeed are doing hard good work. And that the fact that you are able to admit what has hurt you in and of itself, is a big step and one to be proud of. I love and admire you!

Anonymous said...

We love you and are here anytime you need us - day or night, no matter what. Those old folks in Florida,

Angela said...

Thanks for all of the love and good thoughts! I appreciate them :)

John C Buchanan said...

Your Quote is so correct. I was telling my support team the other day that using a wheel chair would allow me to improve the quality of my life. They insisted that it would only weaken me as my legs would lose strength through lack of use. But The freedom afforded by the chair has allowed me to meet other people and that has improved my quality of life so much that I the potential effects on my legs are irrelevant.

Angela said...

John, I'm so glad that you advocated for yourself. Being isolated is not good for anyone. It is nice to hear that you are getting out and meeting people!

Wanda's Wings said...

I'm sorry you are struggling. You have survived so much. You are so strong. I'm sending my best wishes your direction.