Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Fix Myself

Yesterday, after I came home from work, I had a talk with my husband. Mostly he talked, while I nodded, and mumbled that I was sorry. I am sorry that I have been distant, and that when the going gets tough, I check out. I think one thing he said really sticks out in my mind. He said he was afraid that he was going to end up yelling at me. The thought of that terrifies me. I mean it literally makes me feel sick to my stomach, which is probably why I'm writing this blog post at 3:00 a.m. I have so many negative thoughts about myself running through my head, that I can't even keep up with them. I don't know what else to say here. I feel the panic rising, the racing heart, shallow breath, the echo that I will never be good enough. It has taken me almost an hour to write these words. I keep thinking that if I write, I will find some kind of answer, some way to fix myself. This is all that I can write for now.


Just me said...

Praying for peace ♥

Heather Jerdee said...

I'm thinking about you Angela thinking thoughts of safety and self love for you. You are loved and a loving person. Your human we have a saying in my mindfulness and meditation class we are imperfect and perfect at the same time. Big time hugs to you right now.

Eve said...

Wow! I think yours and Heather's hubbys and mine should all have a support club:) Sounds all too familiar unfortuanately. But I can say with certainty that you are fixing yourself----by allowing yourself to heal. That is the only fixing that can ever take place---the only kind that needs to. I love you. I am sending you positive thoughts.

Ruth said...


Sia Jane said...

I know with the girl that she can back off, become distant.
And getting things out of her at times can be very hard.
What I tend to see is that if she backs off and avoids communication about why she is distant, we inevitably end up arguing.
Usually resulting in us both getting distressed.
And then upset that in the house there is this atmosphere.

I know we cannot always control how we become distant, and sometimes, it is the hardest thing in the world to open up, but it usually results in both sides feeling better and you for sure, comforted.

I hope things are easing.
You seem to be in a lot of pain.

Keep fighting angel <3