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Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Working Hard

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I often find myself clenching my teeth together throughout the day, and my jaws have been aching. I think it is mostly from stress and anxiety at work. My days seem to be getting better though. The student that I'm working with has shown some mild improvements, so hopefully the positive behavior supports are starting to work. He still wears me out! I had a nice compliment from a co-worker today. She said that she was impressed by how patient I am, and that made me feel really good because he is trying to wear me down, and I don't always feel so patient. It helps that I have been trying to eat more. I don't feel as depressed and hopeless as I was feeling a few weeks ago. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and I'm back on all of my medications, so I'm sure that will also help with the depression and anxiety. I think that there is a part of me that is so scared to get better and let go of the eating disorder. What if I can't cope without it is what I think to myself. It's been my safety net for so long. I'm also constantly worried about losing my husband. He is my most important safe place, and I rely on him for so many things. I feel like the eating disorder is a shield from all of that pain. I know that I need to find other ways to cope. The problem is that I know that the ED works. My therapist is always telling me that it is a choice, and that I can always choose to go back to it if I feel like other coping skills aren't working. I'm sure that her theory is that once I actually find other coping skills, I won't need the ED anymore. I'm going to work on treating myself with more kindness. I tend to tell myself that I don't deserve to take care of myself, and that I don't even deserve to live. I try to avoid the very fact that this eating disorder is a slow form of suicide, but it is, and I honestly don't want to die and leave all of the people that I love. Of course, I can also beat myself up over how selfish I am. At times my self loathing feels like a vicious cycle, and I can easily get defeated.
I'm working on it. I'm working hard.

6 Comments:

clean and crazy said...

it is a vicious cycle isn't it? it sounds terribly familiar, for this addict who didn't ever want to feel anything, drugs did their job and numbed the pain, and the joy out of life. and i was absolutely happy with not feeling life at all.
today my biggest problem is over eating. i am sitting here looking at my childrens left over waffles and wanting to just grab a bite.
it is so hard for me to not over eat and to stay away from carbs. you are truly in my thoughts and prayers, i really am so proud of your progress, i hope you are. take care of you, you deserve it!!

Poetic Shutterbug said...

The vicious cycles are difficult to break. You are showing so much progress though. Know that you are special to so many as well as to yourself. Keep that with you.

Ann said...

Good job, you keep working at it. You'll get there. It's only the ED that wants you to think you can't cope without it. YOU CAN. Whatever lies ahead for you, believe that you will make it through.

Ann said...

Good job, you keep working at it. You'll get there. It's only the ED that wants you to think you can't cope without it. YOU CAN. Whatever lies ahead for you, believe that you will make it through.

Ann said...

Good job, you keep working at it. You'll get there. It's only the ED that wants you to think you can't cope without it. YOU CAN. Whatever lies ahead for you, believe that you will make it through.

Raven said...

It is a vicious cycle, one I can relate to as a recovering addict. When you know that you have something that will take the pain away it's so tempting to just give in to it. But then in the end it makes everything worse. It's so hard, but you are fighting it, and that's the important part. You are doing the work, no matter how hard it is. Give yourself a big pat on the back for that.