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Friday, October 16, 2009

Out Of The Darkness

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I'm feeling a bit lost without my husband nearby. He is off on his annual golf trip with his college buddies, and I really miss him. It is hard for me to get a good night's sleep. I know how important this trip is to him though. He is on full disability, so he is home all of the time, and I'm sure that getting away with his friends helps him to forget about everything for awhile. We are nearing the time for his MRI and neurology appointment. It is less than two weeks away, and I cannot wait! I'm so tired of the fear. I just want to know what we are dealing with, our treatment options, and what we need to do to be proactive. We are talking about going to The Mayo Clinic. I guess that all depends on what we hear at his appointment. Right now, I think that we both feel helpless because we don't have a plan of action. We know that the tumor is growing again, but because it is growing slowly, we haven't been told what we can do yet, and that is really frustrating. I didn't go to Dave's last appointment, so I didn't get to ask questions. This time, I'm going, and believe me, I WILL be asking questions!
So, while Dave is away, I've made some plans to hang out with friends and keep myself busy this weekend. Tonight I'm meeting friends for happy hour, and then tomorrow I'm spending the day with my best friend that I've known since 7th grade. We are going to check out the Andy Warhol exhibit at Union Station. I'm also supposed to meet some friends Saturday night to hear this band called Cherry Bomb play. I'll just be the gal about town:)
I have to say that I'm feeling pretty good. In many ways, things about my eating disorder have changed, so I'm taking note: It used to make me feel more in control, but now when I use those behaviors, I actually feel more anxious and out of control. I fear the behaviors and what I'm doing to my body. I care now, and that is a big difference. That in itself feels like such a HUGE thing. Wow, I'm beginning to care about myself. Maybe in some ways, this relapse has been a blessing in disguise. I want to believe that once again, I'm moving out of the darkness.

5 Comments:

Poetic Shutterbug said...

I do hope all goes well with your Husband's MRI. I think it's great that both of you are taking time for yourself and having fun. That is so important. And the Warhol exhibit sounds wonderful. Enjoy!

clean and crazy said...

you go have some well deserved fun girl!! i know what you mean when Wes is out of town i cannot sleep either. i miss him sooo much when he isn't hear, i feel like such a baby!! i push the couch in front of the front door at might for extra protection it gets really scary when he is not here.

Ann said...

One giant step forward for Angela, way to go, so glad you are feeling better about yourself and feeling more in control.
Enjoy your weekend, sounds like you have a busy one planned.

PJ said...

i will be keeping positive thoughts about the mri. i am so happy for you that you are going to be getting out this weekend and that your thought process is changing. you are going to control this, angela, and you are going to be fine. much love to you my friend.

you should be receiving your package at the beginning of the week.

earthtoholly said...

Have a good time with your friends this weekend, Angela, and hope all goes well for your husband...