Tuesday, March 1, 2011



After a sleepless Monday night, yesterday was rough. I felt so wound up, tense, and exhausted that I could barely make it through work. I hadn't eaten all day, and when I did get home from work and actually wanted something to eat, there was nothing in the house. My husband went to the store later, but by then I was past the hunger, so I ended up not eating anything. Food is so hard and complicated right now. I'm rigid in what I will eat, and things that I used to be okay with all of a sudden seem scary. I was at least eating a protein bar for lunch, but now having one seems like too many calories. I feel like I can only eat one item per day, and that would be oatmeal at the moment. I'm on the verge of panic most of the time, and my mind seems to jump all over the place. I can barely hold on to one thought before another one rushes in, and everything feels like it's going so fast. Last night I did get some sleep, but I had a dream that I tried to commit suicide by electrocuting myself. I don't feel suicidal though, so I'm not really worried about it. I'm looking forward to my therapy session tomorrow. My therapist has been out of town and I feel a bit lost when she is gone. I rarely talk to her between sessions, but she is one of my safety nets when I'm feeling unstable, and I've definitely not been my best lately. Well, I guess that is all for now. I hope everyone is having a wonderful week.


Wanda's Wings said...

I'm glad your therapist is a safety net for you and I'm glad she is back tomorrow. I know you are struggling, but please take care of yourself. I can not tell you any magical cure because I don't know one. ((((Angela))))

Anonymous said...

If you are depriving your body of food, everything else will feel deprived. Your mind, your spirit, your body, all are lacking the nourishment they need to help you fight the panic and sleeplessness and irrational thoughts. You would think more clearly, you would feel better and you would not have panic attacks if you nourished yourself. You wouldn't be so jumpy and panicked and tired if you gave your body what it needs.

Haley said...

This makes me sad Angela :(
You are worth so much more than you know!
You've gotta push. It's hard, but honestly you KNOW that you need at least 1200 cals a day just to function! I'm hoping you see the light soon
<3 Haley

Eliza said...

I'm thinking of you Angela, and btw I love your writing! Things will get better. Eat, sleep, and use your supports.