Out Of Hiding

“There are many ways to overcome shame. The most powerful is simply talking about your abuse. Shame exists in an environment of secrecy. When you begin to freely speak the truth about your life, your sense of shame will diminish” ~The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis

This quote says it all for me. It speaks to the eating disorder as well as to the abuse. I'm amazed at how honest I am about everything now. I used to be so ashamed, and in denial. I didn't have a problem...no one could know. Lately I'm more forthcoming about my issues, my successes, my failures. I can share knowledge. I can be truthful, and it is amazing how once you are honest, people will spill their guts to you! I'm no longer ashamed, and I will tell you that I never thought I would be in this place. It is true that the more you talk about what shames you, the more the shame lessens. I've been the master keeper of secrets, and it has always caused me nothing but pain. Sometimes I keep my secrets because I don't want others to feel my pain. I hide my feelings, even from myself. I think about being raped at the age of eleven, and how I blocked it out. By blocking it out, I don't mean that I forgot, but I numbed myself...I checked out. I dissociated at the time of the rape, and that coping mechanism has remained for my entire life. New memories come up precisely because I blocked out so much, and maybe now I'm strong enough to remember. I'm strong enough...I like that.