Saturday, October 10, 2009

Moving Forward


I'm sick and whiny today. I have a sore throat, fever, and body aches. I was sent home from work early yesterday, and I can't believe that I'm sick over the weekend. I'm hoping this is just a little cold, and not H1N1. We had a boy in our class that was sent home with it, so I have been exposed. Other than getting sick, my week hasn't been too bad. I did have a scary incident with one of my students though. We went on a community based outing to a local restaurant for breakfast, and while we were sitting and waiting for our order, he knocked over three water glasses, which broke, and then he tried to put a piece of the broken glass in his mouth, which I luckily was able to get away from him. We immediately took him back to the bus, and he missed out on the pancakes that he really wanted. It was quite the outing!
On the recovery front, I think that I'm doing better. I'm slowly increasing my food intake, and it seems to get easier the more that I do it. I feel better about my body since I have lost weight, but I don't feel too obsessed about losing more. I know that the eating disorder isn't about the weight, but in my mind, it certainly feels like it. I ate pizza with the boys last night, and I know how important it is to share meals with them. It helps to keep me connected.
I had therapy this week, and my therapist and psychiatrist were very upset with me. My psychiatrist actually discharged me as a patient because I skipped two follow up visits. My therapist was angry that I had lied to her about taking my meds, and said that if I did it again, she would also discharge me. My therapist did get my psychiatrist to take me back though, which is really good because I dreaded having to go over my entire history with someone new. I promise from now on to be the best little patient ever! I'm back on all of my meds, and will really stop making excuses for not taking them. Mostly it is because they are so expensive, but my psychiatrist said that she would be happy to give me samples when we are short of money. I feel especially bad about lying to my therapist. Our relationship is based on trust, which I have broken more than once, and she said that she was really very hurt. I forget sometimes how my actions impact others, and feel very selfish about that. I have a great treatment team, and do not want to lose them. At least I do feel like I am getting back on track with my recovery, and that I'm finally moving forward.


PJ said...

sounds like you are doing well today angela, that is good to hear. i will be making your dream catcher some time this next week so i will need your address to send it to you. you can email me at pjtangel2000ATyahooDOTcom. have a wonderful day my friend...hugz!

Wanda's Wings said...

It is hard to take the medicine when they are so expensive. I glad she has samples for you. I hope you are feeling better soon. Get some rest this weekend.

Ann said...

Sorry you're not feeling well, feel better soon.
Sounds like a scary situation with the the student.

Zan said...

I hear your pain but in there I also hear a lot of hope and recognition, which is really a big step forward in any type of recovery.
Reward yourself for the progress you make and treat yourself to something nice even if it's just a hot bath and candles.
Keep moving forward, you're doing a good job and you'll get there.

Anonymous said...

As you well know, it is always better to be truthful and deal with the consquences head on. The most important thing in any relationship is to have trust! Without that, you have nothing.

I don't care what you look like as long as you are healthy. You sound as if you are having ups and downs and that will go on for some time. But you need to stay healthy for your family and them boys.

Keep up the good work and we will talk soon.

Love; Old man in Florida

Sophie said...

I totally understand what you're going through. I've struggled with a lot of eating problems myself.It's a really great feeling to know that you're getting back on track. Congratulations!

Anonymous said...

Angel, this is my first visit to your blog and I'm so glad I found you. Blessings for your future courage and strength which you'll need to make it through the tough times. My daughter who is now 43 was bulemic and has been successful with the disease for 23 years and I'm confident with your strong sense of truth your on your way to success as well.

Dorothy from grammology

Anonymous said...

Yikes! Both your therapist and psychiatrist were ready to cut ties with you. It's time to do some serious work. Many of your blogs say you are moving forward but actions speak louder than words. You keep saying the right things but you are not putting them into action and at some point just talking about it and wishing for it will not be enough. All of these replies are coddling you again when what you need may be a kick in the butt which is what your therapist and psychiatrist were trying to do. If you are lying to your therpaist and psychiatrist how do we know you are not lying on your blog telling everyone what you want us to hear. You are on dangerous ground and it's time to not only talk about moving forward like you have hundreds of times before, but actually taking the steps to do it.