Thursday, May 5, 2011

There Is Forgiveness


I think that I'm in the release stage of my recovery. I think that after I wrote the poem below, there was the realization that yes, I'm here, and all that I've been doing with the eating disorder is screaming to be heard. I go back to the feeling of numbness, because it served a purpose. It was my protection from the rape. I go back there again and again because I think that I can make sense out of something so senseless. There is the child in me with the magical thinking, that believes I can somehow go back and make things different, because you see, Ive always blamed myself. The last line of my poem where I say that I can forgive is not about forgiving them, but about forgiving myself, and letting go of the past. After my dad read this poem, he called and asked me if I wanted to go to church with him. I have my own faith, and it is personal and private. I don't think that it is necessary to go to church to have the belief in something greater than myself. When I say that God didn't hear my cries, that was how I felt as a child, but now I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that what I have gone through has made me a stronger and better person. I'm releasing the past, and embracing the present, or at least that is what I'm attempting to do. Some days that is easier than other days, but I'm learning a lot by going through this process. There is expansion and growth. There is forgiveness.


Wanda's Wings said...

You are getting stronger everyday. Rape is never your fault. Never.

Sia Jane said...

You're amazing xxxx

Eve said...

Wow! It is amazing to me how the healing process has so many similarities in it. I know others who are in the same spot that you are, (as am I) and it is sooooooo good to know that we are not alone. And I wanted to add that I don't go to "church" either. I am the church. You are the church. The church is supposed to be people living out their faith and sharing love with the world around them, yo are are doing that Angela! Thank you!

Haley said...

Just in my time since reading your blog you have come SOSO far!
I am beyond proud of you.
You're right that anorexia numbs the pain. But it also numbs happiness & life!
We all have gone through this terrible disease to find ourselves stronger and happier than ever before. Sometimes hard times are the pathways to blessings.
You are amazing. Stay strong!