Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Looking Forward


I'm really surprised at how well I'm doing with food right now. I'm not sure what triggered this turn around, but I'm trying not to question it, and just go with it. I ate dinner last night, and I struggled with how I felt afterwards, but the feeling passed eventually. I have irrational thoughts, but I voiced the thought I was having to my husband, and he said, "Is that you talking, or the eating disorder?" That helped me to realize that my mind wasn't in the right place, and that I couldn't have possibly grown bigger in the short amount of time that it had taken me to eat dinner. I know that sounds crazy, but it is seriously what I thought! Feeling full scares me, but feeling hungry also scares me. When I'm hungry, I'm afraid that when I do eat, I will eat too much, and when I'm full, I'm afraid that I've eaten too much, and I'm going to gain weight. I know that this is a process, and that if I continue to consistently eat, these feelings will eventually fade into the background, and won't be so loud. I'm looking forward to that day!
Tonight I have a therapy session, and I'm looking forward to sharing some of my journaling and poems with my therapist. I wrote "The Hands," which was triggered by some body memories that I had over the weekend. Body memories are like flashbacks where you can physically feel the past trauma, and it is extremely frightening to go through. I was able to ground myself soon after it started, and writing through the memory really helped me. I think that I'm ready to let go of all of that pain, and I feel like I'm beginning to heal. It is one more thing to look forward to. It has been a long time coming.


Ann said...

You're doing terrific, keep it up.

Poetic Shutterbug said...

You are on the right track, Angela and I am so proud of and happy for you. Keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

Your on the right track, keep fighting!!

Dana xo