Becoming

"We all wear masks and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing our own skin." ~André Berthiaume

I've often wondered if the masks that we wear become who we really are. Everyone wears one at certain times to protect themselves, but often we hide behind them permanently, losing our true selves. The mask is who I always wished I could be...happy, kind, carefree, compassionate, but the truth is that I am all of those things, just not all of the time. I hid my pain behind a smile because I didn't want to feel it, and I wishfully thought that if I ignored it, it would all go away. I couldn't live that way forever, and now it is like the dam broke, and all of those feelings that I stuffed down are now pouring out all over the place.
I had a therapy session on Wednesday, and my therapist wanted me to read one of my poems out loud. I choked on the words, sobbing through the whole thing. Feelings that were buried so deep are finally coming to the surface, and it hurts. God, it hurts. It hurts to speak aloud so much pain. It makes it all real. When I was younger, I tried to fool myself into believing it was all just a very bad dream. When it became too real, I would dissociate, and that could make it disappear for awhile. As I grew older, I developed the eating disorder as a way to numb myself. It was a way to focus all of those emotions into something I could control. Without those ways of coping, I have to manage all of those feelings on my own, and it is hard, and also exhausting. I'm tired all of the time. My sleep is better though, and my nightmares are decreasing. I'm less anxious than I've been in a long time. There is still a lot to work through. I feel tremendous grief for all that has been lost. I feel a sadness for the child that I was, but I also feel a sense of excitement for the woman that I'm becoming.