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Saturday, May 30, 2009

The Dressing Room Demon

Eating disorder Pictures, Images and Photos

The last time I went to try on clothes, afterwards, I decided to take my own life. A bit drastic, but nevertheless, that is what happened. Anorexia, weight gain, and mirrors do not play well together nicely. That incident was back in January when I desperately needed new clothes to fit my new body. It is now the end of May, and I still have avoided going shopping for new clothes. That is until yesterday afternoon, when my mom came into town from Florida. She was insistent, and I was plain terrified. One of the mistakes that I had made last time, was going alone, but I also didn't want anyone else to see. To see what? My pain, my failure, the sizes that I would have to buy. My reflection in that dressing room to me, was like looking into a fun house mirror, and all that I could feel was shame, horror, and disgust. I cannot even begin to describe the panic that I felt. I knew that I would have to have someone with me to ground me, and that was what my mom did. She was all business, non judgemental, and very gentle and patient with me, and in the end, I walked out with some new clothes. I won't lie...there were a few tears, and the mirror still is a harsh critic, but I somehow managed to conquer the dressing room demon. In the last session with my nutritionist, I was telling her how unhappy I am with my weight and my body, and she said, "I understand that, but can you tolerate it for now?" I wasn't exactly sure of where she was going with that, but now I think that I do. It is about accepting where I am at the moment. Maybe not always liking it, but being present, and the key word for me here is living with it. I am alive, and life is too short to not wear cute clothes!

5 Comments:

Lainy said...

Hi Angel!

Thanks for wishing me well. I just got out of the hospital. Just took a peek at my blog but won't be staying for long. Going to bed now. Need my rest.

See you when I feel very well.

All the Best,
LAINY

Meghann said...

Oh my gosh I have problems clothing shopping. I struggled with eating disorders for years (oh Hell, I still do) and when I got sick with Fibromyalgia 3 years ago, I wasn't able to workout as much, or even leave the house for being in so much pain. I have gained so much weight, and the worst part is that nothing works to get it off now. My clothes don't fit properly,and though my fiancee says he loves me with more curves, we are supposed to get married next year and I am panicking!!
I am so happy you had the courage to go clothing shopping - I am sure you look fabulous in your new clothes :)
Hugs,
Meghann

Missing In Sight said...

Clothes shopping after reaching a healthy weight is like being in the jaws of hell. I'm glad you had support and are looking at the whole situation in a positive light: that life is too short not to wear cute clothes. And you deserve it!

Missing In Sight

Waterrose said...

I'm so glad your mom was there to help. Hugs.

andrew&carmelsuarezministry said...

Hello! was struggling in that situation too. Just a week ago my husband and I went clothes shopping for me and yes very difficult. Before when I went shopping I always look for the smallest size. but now... hahaha. I always look for the extra one.
I always told myself whenever I felt sorry for myself because of my weight that... no matter how I look... i am still beautiful!
go girl..! God bless you! and always remember that Jesus loves you!