The Dressing Room Demon

The last time I went to try on clothes, afterwards, I decided to take my own life. A bit drastic, but nevertheless, that is what happened. Anorexia, weight gain, and mirrors do not play well together nicely. That incident was back in January when I desperately needed new clothes to fit my new body. It is now the end of May, and I still have avoided going shopping for new clothes. That is until yesterday afternoon, when my mom came into town from Florida. She was insistent, and I was plain terrified. One of the mistakes that I had made last time, was going alone, but I also didn't want anyone else to see. To see what? My pain, my failure, the sizes that I would have to buy. My reflection in that dressing room to me, was like looking into a fun house mirror, and all that I could feel was shame, horror, and disgust. I cannot even begin to describe the panic that I felt. I knew that I would have to have someone with me to ground me, and that was what my mom did. She was all business, non judgemental, and very gentle and patient with me, and in the end, I walked out with some new clothes. I won't lie...there were a few tears, and the mirror still is a harsh critic, but I somehow managed to conquer the dressing room demon. In the last session with my nutritionist, I was telling her how unhappy I am with my weight and my body, and she said, "I understand that, but can you tolerate it for now?" I wasn't exactly sure of where she was going with that, but now I think that I do. It is about accepting where I am at the moment. Maybe not always liking it, but being present, and the key word for me here is living with it. I am alive, and life is too short to not wear cute clothes!