Thursday, May 7, 2009

Coming Back to life


Words are flying out
like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

The Beatles

I'm not sure why it is that I cry everyday lately. I didn't even cry this much when I was sad and depressed. Amidst the smiles and laughter, the tears come with no warning, and feelings that I can't even name wash over me. I feel good, and that feels strange and uncomfortable at times. I feel as if I'm residing in a foreign place, and that I could get lost at any moment. Maybe we are meant to feel both joy and sorrow at the same time. I've never been more aware of the life that was stolen from me, but also all of the many gifts and blessings that I have been given. Everything about this whole process of recovery is bittersweet, and it is a bit frightening to realize that I have finally run out of places to hide. What is even more amazing to me is that most of the time I no longer wish to hide. I think that many times I cry because I am caring for, nourishing, and nuturing myself, and it catches me by surprise that I'm almost doing this automatically now. I cry for all of the years of self hatred and loathing, but more than anything, I cry because I'm coming back to life, and like the feeling of warmth on your skin after you have been frozen for so long, there is the pain.

This is the Hour of Lead~
Remembered, if outlived,
As freezing persons, recollect the Snow~
First~Chill~then Stupor~then the letting go~

~Emily Dickinson


PinkLady said...

ANGELA, embrace healing. accept it. welcome it with open arms. it's all worth it. you just have to accept it.

blessings to you,

bing (",)

Sandi said...

you are doing so well. I find myself crying suddenly too like you. I have become almost more emotional with age I think and after all I have been through it seems at times the tears come from nowhere.

Michele Rosenthal said...

Oh, do I rememmber those days!! Congratulations, that you have reached the point where the tears are not desolation but inspiration. I think sometimes there is a patch of healing in which we are, as you say, completely overwhelmed by clarity. We see so completely well the past, and also, our possibilities in the future. For me, it was like going from living in black and white to suddenly TECHNICOLOR. The change was exciting and exhilarating and yet, so often powerful it caught me by surprise and I was overwhelmed by a JOY that could only be expressed in tears that mingled sadness, relief and excitement all together.

Love the Dickinson quote. Looking forward to following your journey. Looking forward to seeing one more survivor set free!

Shauni said...

You are growing as an individual.. growth can be painful or joyful or both... both emotions can bring me to tears.. embrace the healing your writing brings me joy..

A Mom's Choice said...

Glad to hear your doing better. I have meant to ask you if Its okay for me to email you as I have a question for you. Your poems are so powerful.

Chronic Chick Talk

Angel said...

Of course you can e-mail me:)