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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Did I Ever Tell You?...

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Did I ever tell you that I was raped by two guys when I was eleven years old? See...it does get easier to say, but never easier to actually know, and feel.
It is strange how the memories always come when I least expect them to. I will be having a perfectly fine day, and then WHAM, absolutely blindsided with the pain. Doing laundry, brushing my teeth, cooking dinner, and from out of nowhere it plays like a movie, or flashes like a photograph, and I am trapped once again. I think that it always surprises me that it doesn't go away. That they do not go away, and that my mind always has a way of making me remember. Now I have days of freedom, and I hope that those days will grow into weeks, months, years. I know that I will never forget, but I long for the memories to become cohesive, not bits and pieces that continue to creep out of the shadows of my mind. Yesterday was particularly hard, and I finally just lay down in a chair and fell asleep to escape. Dave asked me how I was a few times, but I still have the hardest time verbalizing what I'm going through. Mostly I'm afraid that it will make the tears come, and I do not want to cry over this anymore.

6 Comments:

Mike Golch said...

I understand not wanting to cry over an insident like that.I was tramatized in a different way and that still bugs me to this day.

clean and crazy said...

i have to share it today, it does still creep up on me and i share that too, the difference is it does not own me anymore.
I was 11 i think the first time i got raped, by my uncle, my father walked in and beat up his best friend and threw the man back in his room across the hall. He shared a room with my baby brother. i remember my daddy asking me "why baby, why did you let him do it?"
you know till his dying day my father never again told me he loved me after that incident. I don't remember being angry at my father and through working the steps today I do not have to be angry at him.
i remember the man with the gun, on my way to school, that one is a bit tougher.
my sponsor tried to get me to do this thing where i pretended he was here in front of me and to imagine how mad at him i was and to yell at him and let it all out. i just cried i was very very scared and i still am afraid of that man.
it's is ok to cry, yell or scream. you should just allow the feelings to come, be aware when you are feeling them and if someone is around you tell them, I am feeling this overwhelming... and then tell them if you need space or anything else. He will feel closer to you if you let him in. and you won't feel as isolated from him because of the past.
great post, thanks for letting me share

Angel said...

Wow, thank you for sharing, and you are right...I need to let him in. It is hard, but I need to do it. You are very wise:) We are breaking the silence, which is so very important!

Dolly's Diary said...

Hi Angela,
You are truly a fighter. I wish there was a way we could wash away certain memories and keep the ones we want. I am so inspired by your strength and your progress. I hope this summer brings you many happy days and happy memories. Thanks for your comment on my blog.
I will be talking to you soon,
Take good care,
Janet :)

Dorothy L said...

Huggz girl and do not stop pushing froward. What is behind is done...not...never forgotten...just done. Nothing anyone can do to change ones past...but there is something one can do to change the present and the future and that is renew who you are each and every day.
Call it shedding thoughts as one sheds skin...never to be worn again:)

I would love to add this post to my abuse section of my website...
Please let me know:)

Huggzz~D~

Angel said...

Thanks Dorothy, and of course you can add it to your abuse section:)
I like what you said about shedding thoughts, never to be worn again. Very wise!
Take care, and thanks for the hugs!