Assessment Forms

It has been a very busy week, not counting the two snow days that we had, and I'm thankful for Friday, and a long weekend. My therapy and nutritionist sessions were especially difficult this week, and left me feeling emotionally drained. My therapist is doing a new patient portal on the internet, and she had me go there to fill out some forms. Two of the forms were assessments of eating disordered behavior. It asked questions like what has been your highest and lowest weight, how often do you restrict, do you count calories, etc... I was frustrated as I was filling them out, because my therapist knows most of the information, and it was really causing me a lot of anxiety, although I couldn't really pinpoint why at the time. I wanted to call my therapist because for some reason I was feeling angry about having to complete those forms, but she leaves early on Thursday, and doesn't work on Friday. I went in to see my nutritionist Thursday night, and the first thing she said was that she had talked to my therapist, and they were both concerned about my answers on those forms. I explained to her that I was having a great deal of anxiety over them also. She asked me what it was about them that had bothered me, and it was then that it made me come to the realization that I have a serious eating disorder. I've been in denial for so long, telling myself that it's really not that bad, and that I have control over it. Even when I was in treatment, I couldn't see how bad it really was. All I could see was that there were so many girls much sicker than I was. It is so much easier and less painful to avoid looking at myself. When I re-read through my answers on those forms, I was forced to see just how sick I am. My therapist and nutritionist also could see that I still have so much more work to do. Right now it is overwhelming me, and I need to talk to my therapist because I'm hoping that she will give me the pep talk I need. I feel like a failure, and also like I'm not going to be able to do this. I hate that I'm so negative, but this obsession has taken over my life for so long, taking up huge amounts of space in my brain. The statistics say that once you have passed the ten year mark with an eating disorder, it is more likely that you won't recover. I'm way past the ten year mark, so what are my chances?