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Friday, January 14, 2011

Assessment Forms

afraid. Pictures, Images and Photos

It has been a very busy week, not counting the two snow days that we had, and I'm thankful for Friday, and a long weekend. My therapy and nutritionist sessions were especially difficult this week, and left me feeling emotionally drained. My therapist is doing a new patient portal on the internet, and she had me go there to fill out some forms. Two of the forms were assessments of eating disordered behavior. It asked questions like what has been your highest and lowest weight, how often do you restrict, do you count calories, etc... I was frustrated as I was filling them out, because my therapist knows most of the information, and it was really causing me a lot of anxiety, although I couldn't really pinpoint why at the time. I wanted to call my therapist because for some reason I was feeling angry about having to complete those forms, but she leaves early on Thursday, and doesn't work on Friday. I went in to see my nutritionist Thursday night, and the first thing she said was that she had talked to my therapist, and they were both concerned about my answers on those forms. I explained to her that I was having a great deal of anxiety over them also. She asked me what it was about them that had bothered me, and it was then that it made me come to the realization that I have a serious eating disorder. I've been in denial for so long, telling myself that it's really not that bad, and that I have control over it. Even when I was in treatment, I couldn't see how bad it really was. All I could see was that there were so many girls much sicker than I was. It is so much easier and less painful to avoid looking at myself. When I re-read through my answers on those forms, I was forced to see just how sick I am. My therapist and nutritionist also could see that I still have so much more work to do. Right now it is overwhelming me, and I need to talk to my therapist because I'm hoping that she will give me the pep talk I need. I feel like a failure, and also like I'm not going to be able to do this. I hate that I'm so negative, but this obsession has taken over my life for so long, taking up huge amounts of space in my brain. The statistics say that once you have passed the ten year mark with an eating disorder, it is more likely that you won't recover. I'm way past the ten year mark, so what are my chances?

7 Comments:

Ann said...

More likely doesn't mean it's not possible. What you discovered after answering those questions was yet another step towards your recovery..

The Disturbed said...

Your chances are high because it is what you want. You can do this, I know you can, but you have to want to. It will be an uphill battle and tough, but realizing all of this will help you move forward.

Flannery said...

My therapist always tells me that things get worse before they get better--feeling bad means you're going in the right direction. (I'm not explaining it as well as she does...I swear, it's a comforting thought!)

I have to re-beak through denial every month or so myself, and I feel you on that. You can do this. I know you can.

Just me said...

Statistics don't mean anything to an individual. Some people have to be the ones in the "will recover" bracket - who's to say it can't be you?
Please, please, please please please read this post: http://www.danoah.com/2010/11/small-side-of-numbers.html
The message is so important.

Lots of love x x

Sia Jane said...

You CAN recover and I don't care how long people have suffered, the possibility of recovery will always be there.
You just need to believe xxxx

I Hate to Weight said...

30 years of an eating disorder, and here i am -- feeling great.

i learned so much along the way.

although it's so much suffering, i have a richer life now because of all i went through

sometimes labels don't even mean that much, i think. you're getting the help you need.

thinking of you, melissa

Farfromperfect said...

I know what you are going through. I got out three months ago from a year-long-stay at a residential. I have been at my full meal plan for a week and a half after a relapse, and I heard my therapist tell me yesterday that she was fully supporting sending me back to residential until yesterday. I know I'm not faking it, but I'm starting to slip again.

It is scary. Recovery is no easy task. It can be motivational and discouraging. When it is going downhill, sometimes you just have to grab onto someone who will help you, and close your eyes until the roller coaster is over. Just remember that it will be over soon. My favorite mantra is "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."