Not Going Back

For some reason, I keep on asking myself, "What would make me feel better?" There has to be something. Let me rephrase that..."What would make me feel better about myself." I'm uncomfortable in my body, hating myself and how I feel. Last night I went out with a friend, and we talked and shared an appetizer. It is good for me to get out, but all I did when I got home was beat myself up over the food. I almost said no when she asked if I wanted to get together for exactly that reason, but I do not want this eating disorder to rule my life. I need to stay connected to people, but when I feel this way inside, I want to hide away, afraid that others will see on the outside what I feel like on the inside. I'm fighting, but why don't I feel better? Maybe that is my frustration. I saw my nutritionist Thursday night, and she pointed out that when I feel so much self hatred, I'm usually stuffing down a lot of anger. She is probably right. I feel as if I'm being suffocated, and anger would make sense. I shy away from exploring it though, because anger has always been so frightening for me. I'm never really sure how to express it, or what the repercussions will be, so I bury it instead. I think that when I want to get out from under the weight of my feelings, I somehow equate that with wanting to be thinner. It is definitely a trick that my mind plays on me. I'm trying not to fall for it.
The other day I came across some pictures that made me sad. It was from 4 summers ago, a year before I went into treatment. I remember back then also thinking that I was disgusting. I was so much thinner, but I didn't feel any different, and definitely not any better about myself. I look at those pictures and I don't like them. Being thinner will not help me feel better. I don't want to go back.

~As happy as I looked, I was not happy at all, and doesn't my head look really big? Not attractive!