Saturday, January 8, 2011

Not Going Back

For some reason, I keep on asking myself, "What would make me feel better?" There has to be something. Let me rephrase that..."What would make me feel better about myself." I'm uncomfortable in my body, hating myself and how I feel. Last night I went out with a friend, and we talked and shared an appetizer. It is good for me to get out, but all I did when I got home was beat myself up over the food. I almost said no when she asked if I wanted to get together for exactly that reason, but I do not want this eating disorder to rule my life. I need to stay connected to people, but when I feel this way inside, I want to hide away, afraid that others will see on the outside what I feel like on the inside. I'm fighting, but why don't I feel better? Maybe that is my frustration. I saw my nutritionist Thursday night, and she pointed out that when I feel so much self hatred, I'm usually stuffing down a lot of anger. She is probably right. I feel as if I'm being suffocated, and anger would make sense. I shy away from exploring it though, because anger has always been so frightening for me. I'm never really sure how to express it, or what the repercussions will be, so I bury it instead. I think that when I want to get out from under the weight of my feelings, I somehow equate that with wanting to be thinner. It is definitely a trick that my mind plays on me. I'm trying not to fall for it.
The other day I came across some pictures that made me sad. It was from 4 summers ago, a year before I went into treatment. I remember back then also thinking that I was disgusting. I was so much thinner, but I didn't feel any different, and definitely not any better about myself. I look at those pictures and I don't like them. Being thinner will not help me feel better. I don't want to go back.

~As happy as I looked, I was not happy at all, and doesn't my head look really big? Not attractive!




Just me said...

I think you're doing so well. Going out even though you hadn't wanted to because of the food is such a huge step & I genuinely think you should be really proud of that. You're so right, you ARE fighting. I can imagine it must be so frustrating to feel like you're not getting anywhere, but take it a day at a time. Keep going like this & I promise you'll get there. Lots of love xxx

Sia Jane said...

You're making the connections, and next is accepting them, which is what you are trying to do.
In an ED we feel like crap.
About weight, food and everything, and I repeatedly say to my girlfriend, you might have all those feelings in recovery too, BUT it eventually gets better.
In an ED it NEVER does xxxxx

Wanda's Wings said...

You are a beautiful person. Continue to step out and be with people. That is a good job. ED can really burr how we feel. but you are continuing to work on this. ((((Angela))))))

Ann said...

The first thing that came to mind when i started reading your post is one of my favorite quotes.
"Most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be" I think of this quote often and remind myself that happiness is a state of mind and I just have to make up my mind to feel that way.

Sunny said...


Have you read the book or seen the movie Eat, Pray, Love?

It really touched me and I think you would love it. I watched the movie twice this weekend and I plan to read the book soon (they are always so much better).

There is a part in the movie when the girls are in Naples, enjoying a pizza...not a slice of pizza, but their own pizza! It really spoke to me and it's an attitude I plan to carry with me for a while.

"tired of the guilt."

This morning I made myself two boiled eggs, three pieces of bacon, a side of broccoli with cheese and toast with blackberry jam for breakfast! You know what, it was WONDERFUL! Never imagined having broccoli for breakfast, but I am glad I did. It was a colorful, beautiful plate and I enjoyed every bite of it. :)

I do understand how you feel. You know, I also think...and this is from my own perspective and I'm simply sharing. I think as we delve into ourselves, to try to figure some things out, we have to begin to step outside and see all that is around us. I don't know if you're ready to do that yet...but I find that it does help me to think of others, the world and my place in it.

I don't think there is ever perfect happiness, just like there is nothing perfect in ourselves. I think happiness is something that must evolve and revolve. We just need to learn to enjoy the ride.

You are beautiful.
You are special.
You are very much loved by those who know you, in person and through this technological media.

My thought for you today is that you may be assertive with yourself. Assertive in love and kindness.

Tons of love,