Thursday, January 6, 2011



I've been feeling claustrophobic for the past couple of days. I know that must sound strange, but it is as if I'm trapped inside of myself, and I would like nothing more than to get away. I want to stay present, but there is the pull of wanting some way to numb myself. I promised my therapist that I would not drink at all this month because January is such a hard month for me. I do think it is better if I stay away from alcohol while I'm struggling and feeling the way I do. I'm back to work now, and I needed to get back to my routine, but the time off was much needed. I don't do as well with food when I'm working though. I didn't have much to eat yesterday, and I also skipped dinner. My thoughts were racing around in my head, I felt overwhelmed, and eating seemed like one more thing to make me anxious about. I know that is my #1 way to numb myself. I wish it didn't work so well. My therapist says that I too easily take on the problems of others, on top of my own. I have a friend who is struggling right now, and I want to be there for her to confide in, but I tend to take on others pain as if it were my own. Another thing that is weighing on my mind is that I just found out that one of the girls that I was in treatment with died from anorexia. She was so young, and it is heartbreaking. It also scares me because I know the amount of harm that I have done, and am still doing to my body. Hopefully it will scare me enough to let go of all my eating disordered behaviors.


I Hate to Weight said...

i don't know why, but i feel like telling you to pull out some glitter. i hope that doesn't sound trite. it's just we all need some joy or else it's too hard.

hang in there. you're working so hard. take care. melissa

Sia Jane said...

I really relate to the beginning of this post.
Not the ED stuff or the drinking, but feeling totally trapped in myself.
Constantly like I want to run away.
Alone I want to be with people, with people I want to be alone.
Please keep fighting xxxx

Just me said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the girl from your treatment. I read something in the paper today about a girl from near me who had died after a 2 year battle with anorexia. It breaks my heart.

Keep fighting. I hope you feel more free soon. Lots of love x x x

Wanda's Wings said...

((((((Angela))))) I wish I had words to ease your pain. Just know that there are several people standing in there with you.

Haley said...

I'm so sorry to hear that your friend from rehab passed away :(
And yes, you can use this as motivation to kick ED butt.
However, you've gotta do it for YOU! Not for anyone else. Otherwise, recovery isn't going to work.
I'm praying for you & I hope that tomorrow is a better day!
<3 Haley

Flannery said...

I don't have anything to add that the other comments haven't already said, so all I have to offer you today is love and support, and understanding of your grief and struggle. (((hugs)))

Ann said...

January is such a rough month. My problems with it may not be the same as yours but it's still rough. I like I hate to Weight's idea of pulling out some

Anonymous said...

I am sorry to ask you this, Angie, but was the girl someone that was at Frew with us? This is liz weiss, and I read this post and the reality hit me that it could be the case...I love you so much Angie, and I admire your courage as you are taking these steps and feeling this pain....sometimes it just hurts when something like this happens, but you seem to have really good perspective and motivation from it... Big, comforting hugs to you! Continue on, dear Angie, you will conquer this one step at a time.

Anonymous said...

Ok, hard question here. You really think death of others will scare you straight? If to this point, the love of your family who is living have not scared you straight, I am not sure the death of another will. True?