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Saturday, January 29, 2011

Conclusions

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"I've come to the conclusion that I would rather stop failing at recovery, and just be who I am. I'm tired of fighting the eating disorder."

I said these words to my nutritionist this week, and was surprised at how much I meant them. I want to apologize for the selfishness, and for giving up. I'm sorry. I know I let people down, and maybe I will change my mind. The constant resistance and pushing away the eating disorder is wearing me out. I'm angry at my therapist because I think the assessment forms that she had me fill out sent me over the edge. I know that she wanted to make me honestly look at myself, but all that it did was overwhelm me. If I can let go of the failure, maybe I can live a happy life the way I am, and maybe it won't be such an obsession anymore. When you try so hard to give something up, have you noticed that it is all you can think about? Anyway...that is all for now. It took me all day to figure out how to write this post because I never wanted to disappoint anyone.

10 Comments:

The Woollen Typist said...

I completely understand. Am in a similar position and want to give up seeing the dietician and therapist altogether. So I'm not really sure what to say.

:(

Wanda's Wings said...

Angela I'm always in your corner. Wanda

Flannery said...

I,too, am always in your corner. I hope you can find the strength to stand up to the demons, but if you can't, I hope you can find the strength to forgive yourself for it.
I hope you can find a way to be truly happy, whether that's through the path of recovery or not.

I Hate to Weight said...

you're not disappointing anyone. this is the path of the disease. it's so awfully difficult, and i mean awfully. it's normal to want a break. it's exhausting -- the whole thing.

can you do some stuff that feels nice -- massage, naps... whatever you like that is 100% absolutely NOT work?

and then, perhaps, get back to the healing (not so much "battling") yourself and the eating disorder.

Cammy said...

I was musing on similar feelings just yesterday. There comes a point when you wonder if where you're at is so bad that it's really worth the turmoil of moving forward. It's a hard place to be...but don't write yourself off. You are an incredible person right now, but you don't deserve to have to compromise on life.

I understand the feeling, though, all too well. Hang in there. <3

Anonymous said...

I hope you read these words and truly believe what I'm saying. You never dissapoint me! My dissapointment is only in the fact that I could not keep my children safe. I beleve in you more than myself. You have unbelievable strength and tenacity. You are a fighter and not only for yourself. I and everyone who loves you are just afraid,but not dissapointed, because we don't want to loose such a wonderful light in our lives. I understand, love mom

Angela said...

Maybe this is just me needing a break. I thank you all for the words of encouragement. I love you too Mom, and thank you for understanding. I never want to let anyone down. I know how hard you have all worked to support me through this.

Ruth said...

(((((HUGS)))))

Sia Jane said...

You can come through this.
You can xxxx

Anonymous said...

You don't have to fight anymore. Instead, you have to surrender it to a higher power, which will sustain you and give you strength that you do not have alone. This is what is missing in your recovery.