Friday, November 9, 2007


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Last night I wrote a blog entry for only my husband to read. I have pushed him away, trying to put distance between us. I think it is my way of protecting myself if he were to give up on me. Who could blame him if he did? I was afraid to tell him that I need an in-patient treatment program. I feel like such a failure, and I'm ashamed of what he must see when he looks at me. He is everything. My whole world is in his eyes, and I'm slowly destroying everything we have. I wanted to explain how much I want my life back and how it feels like now or never for me.
I know that he reads my blog, so all day I was sick with worry, fearing his disappointment in me, but when I came home he put his arms around me and told me to never doubt his love and commitment. He wants me to do whatever it takes to get well, so I'm going to call Renfrew for an intake interview, and get some more information on what I need to do to be admitted. I have so much to think about, and yet I'm afraid to look too close, otherwise the fear will just overwhelm me. I'm terrified, but hanging on to a thread of hope. Hoping to finally find my way. A chance to find freedom in living, not freedom in death.