Monday, July 19, 2010

Ghosts Of The Past


"Monsters are real, ghosts are real too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win." ~Stephen King

I don't want the monsters and ghosts to win, but sometimes in the middle of the night, and even in the daylight, they do. I know that the only one who can make them go away is me. I'm the one that lets them take hold. I'm the one that gives them the power. They are the ghosts of the past and the monsters that hurt me, haunting my dreams. I think that if it wasn't for the nightmares, maybe I could begin to let it go, but the terror awakens me and hangs like a shadow over my day. There is no other way to describe it but as an overwhelming sadness that I carry with me. There is no amount of anti-depressant that can make it go away, and maybe that is just it. It will always be a part of me. When does the pain recede? I blame myself because it is me who is hanging on to it. Why can I not seem to be able to control my dreams?


Paula said...

No one can control its dreams. You know that. Yet I can understand that despair is driving you. I used to have these nightmares and whilst I am mostly free of them by now, it took time to let go. We are used to what we have and are. Dysfunctional and mater in ind. Yet we didnt become masters over night, it took years... and it takes years to let go and slowly evolve differently. My t asked me before we started therapy what I think is harder, slow decline in this dysfunctionality or change. I believed the first, how very worng I was...
Hang in there, it is tough yet it will get better. Change happens on its own terms not by force or sheer will. This too shall pass. And it will. Love to you.

PJ said...

oh angela, it sounds like the dreamcatcher isn't working for you like it is supposed to. i am sorry for that. wish there was something that i could do to help. you are in my thoughts, take care of yourself.


Ann said...

So sorry to hear you can't get rid of the dreams and nightmares. I'll keep you in my thoughts and send good wishes your way.