Thursday, September 4, 2014

A Recovery Milestone

I have reached a huge recovery milestone, and so today is ending with an overflowing amount of gratitude and joy. I have been seeing a nutritionist for 7 years, and today was my final appointment. I truly do not feel I would be alive right now if it had not been for the dedicated treatment team that I have. After a few sessions with my therapist, she insisted that I also seek the help of a nutritionist, and referred me to the amazing woman who would help to guide me through this recovery journey. I was not always the most compliant client, but ultimately, she found techniques to encourage me in a way that was both firm and kind. I was looking through old blog posts, and it is mind boggling the things I have already "forgotten." There were the years that I ate nothing for days on end, and then the day I finally agreed to go in-patient. There were the days weaning myself from laxative abuse, then being able to work towards eating in front of people and weaning myself away from a liquid diet. There were suicide attempts after I was weight restored, accepting a new body, and learning to eat even when my eating disorder screamed at me that I was weak and pathetic. I had been spacing out my appointments for the past year, going every two weeks, and then once a month. I was honestly afraid to stop seeing her, because I was terrified of a relapse. I also had developed a relationship that I trusted and valued, and ending my treatment with her was frightening. I didn't even know until this morning that I was going to tell her I was ready to stop seeing her, but on my way to work, as I was driving, I was thinking about my weight, and how I wanted to lose weight. I pondered this thought for a few moments, caught myself, and almost laughed out loud. I realized that not a day has passed in at least 25 years that the same thought hasn't been turned over at a dizzying speed in my mind. When I couldn't even sit in the bathtub without padding, I didn't think I was thin enough. The difference now is, it is a thought, it passes, and I continue with my day, with my meals, with my life...I may live the rest of my life with that passing thought, but I'm no longer going to starve myself to death over it, or allow that thought to steal my life or my joy. 
I cried on the way to my nutritionists, and then I repaired my make-up in the bathroom before riding the elevator up to her office. I know that if I ever need her, she will be there for me, and she has been referring clients to the yoga studio where I teach. Tonight, she had tears in her eyes as she talked about the progress we have made together, and then she said, 
"You have made a life for yourself worth recovering for." 
I felt the tears sting my eyes, but I fought back, until a smile overtook my tears.

I certainly did not fight this battle alone! 

Tonight I bow to one of my many teachers. 

Thank you...


John Buchanan said...

Congratulations, I am delighted for you. I understand some of the difficulties you face and this truly is a big milestone. Well done.