Sunday, September 14, 2014

No Apology Necessary

Tonight I yelled, slammed a door, and stomped through the house. Suddenly everything feels messy and out of control, and I want to cry, but there is nothing wrong, nothing that I can pin point, and there is nothing that frustrates me more than not understanding my own feelings. This swirling mixture of anger and sadness often rises from nowhere and I'm quickly caught in the vortex of a violent storm brewing within myself, without any warning. Sometimes I think I'm more afraid of my own emotions than anything else in the entire world. I've been through some frightening, traumatic and violent events in my life, and yet what terrifies me the most is losing control of my emotions, as if the anger and sadness that I unleash could go on and on in an unending torrent of tears and screaming rage. I yelled once, slammed one door, and stomped upstairs to the bedroom, which is a small tantrum, and certainly not as dramatic as what I fear. I have proof that I can control my emotions very well, and yet there is a sense that I have so much more inside that hasn't been released.

I actually wrote the above passage over a month ago, but I didn't post it because I felt a certain amount of shame over my outburst, although there wasn't anyone around to even witness it. 
This week was rough at work, and when talking to my supervisor on the phone, I began to cry. I was unable to hide the tears and emotion in my voice, and I apologized several times for being so unprofessional. I realize that when I'm apologizing for my feelings, I'm primarily apologizing to myself...seeking forgiveness, as if every thought and feeling I have is somehow wrong. As fascinated as I am about these new found emotions, they are also equally terrifying, and my first instinct is to run as far away from them as I can get.

What we hold inside is infinite, so of course there is much more inside to be released. 

Today, as I was teaching my yoga class, I encouraged letting go and making space, and it was then that it struck me that life is a continuous process of filling up and releasing. As I release trapped feelings of grief and anger, I make room for more love, more joy, and more acceptance. I allow and accept so much from everyone else in my life, but extending that same compassion, allowance, and acceptance of myself is something I will continue to work on. 

"I have no right to call myself one who knows. I was the one who seeks, and still am, but I no longer seek in the stars or in books; I'm beginning to hear the teachings of my blood pulsing within me. My story isn't pleasant, it's not sweet and harmonious like the invented stories; It tastes of folly and bewilderment, of madness and dream, like the life of all people who no longer want to lie to themselves." ~Hermann Hesse

Painting by~William Adolphe Bouguereau , 1884