Recovery Feels Good

It has taken me over an entire year to get used to this new body, this body with curves and substance. Last year I couldn’t even look into the mirror without wanting to cry. I missed my bones, the absence of flesh, and the hunger to remind me that I was real. It takes some getting used to, but I’m at a point of acceptance, and that feels good, and a long time coming. Even at my sickest and lowest weight, it was never enough, and I felt that I could never be good enough. My therapist and I often talk about how I can feel like too much and never enough, all in the same breath. Such a contradiction! This is the most stable I’ve felt in years. My weight is stable and healthy. I might not always feel happy and comfortable in my own skin, but there are many days that I do, and that is one hell of an improvement. Do I still restrict, and have trouble with food? Yes, most definitely, I do. I still have old rules in my head, and strange food rituals and habits. Those die hard, as they are so deeply ingrained. There are days that I can challenge those, and days that I don’t feel that strong, but I’m getting there. I don’t know what I would do without my support team, and all of the people who love me, and encourage me to keep on fighting. My therapist and nutritionist are so patient with me, even when I’m quite trying and difficult! I’m blessed to have so many people on my side. I really encourage anyone with an eating disorder to get help. Recovery really is not something that most people can do successfully on their own. It has taken a team of professionals, hospitalization, and an in-patient treatment facility to finally get me back on my feet. It has taken me years to get to where I am, and I still have a ways to go. Recovery takes time, but it is so worth it!