Thursday, April 29, 2010

Recovery Feels Good


It has taken me over an entire year to get used to this new body, this body with curves and substance. Last year I couldn’t even look into the mirror without wanting to cry. I missed my bones, the absence of flesh, and the hunger to remind me that I was real. It takes some getting used to, but I’m at a point of acceptance, and that feels good, and a long time coming. Even at my sickest and lowest weight, it was never enough, and I felt that I could never be good enough. My therapist and I often talk about how I can feel like too much and never enough, all in the same breath. Such a contradiction! This is the most stable I’ve felt in years. My weight is stable and healthy. I might not always feel happy and comfortable in my own skin, but there are many days that I do, and that is one hell of an improvement. Do I still restrict, and have trouble with food? Yes, most definitely, I do. I still have old rules in my head, and strange food rituals and habits. Those die hard, as they are so deeply ingrained. There are days that I can challenge those, and days that I don’t feel that strong, but I’m getting there. I don’t know what I would do without my support team, and all of the people who love me, and encourage me to keep on fighting. My therapist and nutritionist are so patient with me, even when I’m quite trying and difficult! I’m blessed to have so many people on my side. I really encourage anyone with an eating disorder to get help. Recovery really is not something that most people can do successfully on their own. It has taken a team of professionals, hospitalization, and an in-patient treatment facility to finally get me back on my feet. It has taken me years to get to where I am, and I still have a ways to go. Recovery takes time, but it is so worth it!


Ruth said...

Sounds like you're doing great, good to hear!

Anonymous said...

I smiled when I read this. I am glad you are doing ok and making healthier choices for yourself. I know it is a struggle but you can decide what you do each day now. I love the photo here too. ;-) Keep going! You are doing great work!!

Wanda's Wings said...

See you really are doing a great job.

Anonymous said...

I am not sure who's ass that is, but it does not matter! Or does it??

Sounds good & keep up the good work. Remember, most of us don't care what you weigh as long as you are "healthy".

Love ya,

Old Man in Florida

Ann said...

You picked a good image to go with your post today. It made me laugh. Glad to hear your feeling so good about where you are, that's the way to be :) keep it up

Clueless said...

Congratulations!! It gave me a little bit of hope as I go back and forth between denial and wanting to address my eating disorder which has been on and off for more than 30 years. It is so tough to break the rituals and constant thought patterns. But, I'm starting and I get frustrated when I make the wrong choices.

Your post made me think more about the reality of my eating disorder and how it has impacted my life. Thank you for sharing.