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Friday, May 7, 2010

Avoidance?

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My therapy and nutritionist sessions were hard this week, and I'm feeling discouraged. Everyone feels like I'm using avoidance types of behaviors, and that in many ways, I'm fooling myself into believing I'm fine, when really I'm not fine. It is frustrating for others to believe that you have a problem, when you can't see the problems for yourself. I feel like I'm trying to eat, but I'm still basically only having one meal a day. My therapist is not happy with my progress when it comes to food. I told her that I've eaten lunch instead of having Boost twice this week, but that doesn't seem good enough. I know that I'm not eating breakfast, and that my calories are still too low, but I'm afraid of adding more food. My weight has basically stayed the same for awhile now. My nutritionist says that my body is used to running in starvation mode, and that it will adjust to added calories. I'm not very trusting of that. I'm trying to change things, but people need to understand that I also need to go at my own pace. I have so many feelings that are bubbling just below the surface, and I know that it is only a matter of time before they break free. I have to feel like I have some sort of control over them.

Everyone also feels that my drinking is still a problem. I guess that I don't feel like it is a problem if I want to go numb every once in a while. It doesn't affect my day to day life. It doesn't affect my job. I don't even drink on a weekly basis. I promised my husband that I wouldn't drink alone or hide alcohol, and I will keep that promise, but I'm not going to stop drinking all together. If that sounds like denial, than so be it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm a project that needs to be fixed. I need some space, and for everyone to back off. I feel like I'm okay. I'm not depressed or suicidal. I'm taking my medication like I should be. Yeah, I avoid my feelings at times, but it is painful stuff that I'm dealing with. Every day I wake up, and it isn't long before the ugliness hits me right in the gut. I want it all to disappear, along with myself at times. Is it so wrong to want that? I know that it will never go away, and that I can't change the past, but so what if I don't want to look it in the face every single waking moment!

Anyway...I just needed to vent a bit. I'm already feeling better. If you have made it this far, then thanks for reading:) Hope everyone has a great weekend!

5 Comments:

notpollyanna said...

I don't think I've commented here before. I can relate in a huge way. I tend to avoid things by sleeping or by going into small bits of denial. When professionals confront me about these things, it is hard to take, like you say, because there is a good reason I am avoiding things: Because they suck!

Ann said...

I can imagine how frustrating it can be for you. Sometimes it's hard for us to see the same thing that others do about us. It's not easy to hear either. I hope you find a happy medium somewhere and have a wonderful weekend.

Wanda's Wings said...

It is so frustrating when you think you are doing all the right things and still feel attacked.

Anonymous said...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY:

That is what you need to focus on.

Have a good weekend and have a drink for me.

Love:

Old man in Florida

Angela said...

Thanks old man:) I love you, and thanks also for the Mother's Day wishes!