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Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Fear Or Freedom?


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Every once in awhile someone, usually my therapist, but not always, will touch upon something so deep and painful that I literally stop breathing. That happened to me yesterday, and it felt like fear and freedom at the same time. Unfortunately, the fear took over, I stuffed every emotion that I was feeling back down, and now I feel close to overflowing. I love how this translates into a reason not to eat, because I'm just too full, so needless to say, food didn't go so well yesterday. Sarcasm doesn't even begin to mask the frustration that I was feeling, and I often wonder when I will get out of my own way. Today has been better though. I have a friend at work that I've really been able to talk to about things that I usually don't feel comfortable sharing, and it has helped me more than they probably realize. I'm also starting to feel more safe eating in the classroom thanks to them. I'm less and less afraid each time that I do it. One of the hardest parts of lunch for me is actually fixing myself something to take. It has something to do with self care, and feeling like I deserve to be taken care of and nurtured. I tend to put my needs last, so that is what I NEED to work on. Tonight I'm going to pack myself a sandwhich for tomorrow, which is something that my nutritionist has been encouraging me to do for some time now. In fact, I'm going to end this post right now, so that I can go do that:)

7 Comments:

Ann said...

I think that the fact that you can recognize all of this shows an excellent improvement. Of course I'm no expert but just saying :) Enjoy that sandwich for lunch tomorrow and have a great day

Paula said...

You have developed such an awareness and thats a big step. I realised smetimes when experiencing fear and freedom at teh same time the genuine feeling beneath is fear OF freedom. Not something I am accustomed too, whilst longing for it I fear it too. Enjyo you lunch. I think that is a nice tasty step forward.

Wendy said...

Congratulations on making the step to take care of YOU! It is hard. But the more and more you do it, the less ... selfish it feels. And eventually you start to realize that in order to keep taking care of others, you have to take care of you first. It's a hard lesson, but it sounds like you're on the road.

Poetic Shutterbug said...

You are beginning to become aware and see things differently and that is a huge step in the right direction. I'm so proud of you.

NeoBluePanther said...

Fear of anything can be very stifling, as I have found out over the past few days. However, once you learn to overcome the fear, you become a stronger being.

Anonymous said...

Just remember that you cannot function from a place of fear if you want to succeed.

Angela said...

Yes, fear is a huge problem. I'm so afraid of what is on the other side. Afraid that my feelings will overwhelm me and I will somehow be able to make it through the intensity of my own emotions. I know that I won't succeed unless I can find a way to let go. I have hope that it will come with time and a lot of faith.