2:00 A. M.

It is 2:00 A.M., and I just woke up from a nightmare that was triggering, and now I can't sleep. I feel like I need to talk to someone, and I feel so alone even though my husband is only footsteps away. I don't want to be a bother or a burden to anyone. Why do I find it so hard to reach out when I'm hurting and afraid. It brings me right back to the sexual abuse. It happened, and I felt too afraid to tell. There is always this fear, and it has settled deep inside of me. I know why I had the dream. I watched something on television that brought back a memory. There was the blood. I see it. I remembered it like I was right back in that bedroom after those boys left. I didn't understand. I was so ashamed and scared that I had done something wrong. All I wanted was to be clean. To wash everything away. I'm having a hard time staying grounded right now. I need someone to help me. I want to call my therapist but it is so late. I thought that writing would help, and maybe I won't be able to post this. I'm probably not even making sense, but none of this will ever make sense in my head. Why me, I ask? Why do I have to feel this? It hurts so much, and what if I can never get through this? Does every bit of pain, and every tear shed mean that I'm healing? All that I can do is hope.