Saturday, May 8, 2010

2:00 A. M.

It is 2:00 A.M., and I just woke up from a nightmare that was triggering, and now I can't sleep. I feel like I need to talk to someone, and I feel so alone even though my husband is only footsteps away. I don't want to be a bother or a burden to anyone. Why do I find it so hard to reach out when I'm hurting and afraid. It brings me right back to the sexual abuse. It happened, and I felt too afraid to tell. There is always this fear, and it has settled deep inside of me. I know why I had the dream. I watched something on television that brought back a memory. There was the blood. I see it. I remembered it like I was right back in that bedroom after those boys left. I didn't understand. I was so ashamed and scared that I had done something wrong. All I wanted was to be clean. To wash everything away. I'm having a hard time staying grounded right now. I need someone to help me. I want to call my therapist but it is so late. I thought that writing would help, and maybe I won't be able to post this. I'm probably not even making sense, but none of this will ever make sense in my head. Why me, I ask? Why do I have to feel this? It hurts so much, and what if I can never get through this? Does every bit of pain, and every tear shed mean that I'm healing? All that I can do is hope.


Missing In Sight said...

Your post definitely made sense and I'm glad you published it. You are not alone. I can hear the pain in your words. You deserve a life free of this trouble. I can't help except to say that I'm hear and listening. Take good care of yourself.

Ann said...

You made perfect sense and writing the post was a good idea. Take care of yourself Angela, you can do it.
Have a wonderful mother's day tomorrow

Flannery said...

Not only does it make sense, it's very powerful! Your posts are always so brave. I'm sorry that TV was triggering, and I'm sorry that you feel alone. Isolation is a powerful feeling, for sure.

To second Missing In Sight, I'm here and I'm listening, too.

Have a good mother's day this weekend!

Ruth said...

Hang in there honey! We're with you.