Sunday, January 26, 2014
~Artwork by Nishant Dange
It is important for me to feel like I'm helping others, but I don't think I realized how much so, until the beginning of this week when trying to help someone didn't go the way I intended. I immediately realized my mistake when the person reacted to my well-meaning intentions with anger. I apologized because so often when another person comes to you with their pain, all they want is to be heard and comforted. What I tried to do was offer solutions instead of acknowledging their pain, and I still feel horrible about it. The experience has opened up some feelings inside of me that I'm trying to figure out and learn from. I have felt like crying ever since, but have been refusing to give in, as if it would be self-indulgent and weak. My feelings in general have been intense since my first yoga teacher's training weekend. Joy and gratefulness overwhelmed me, and I floated around for an entire week after, pinching myself that I was actually living one of my dreams. This week I observed my first yoga class, and was unprepared for the emotions that flooded through me as I sat there watching a room full of over thirty people completely transformed. I was amazed by not only the energy of the room as it shifted, but also the beauty I witnessed on the faces surrounding me. It was truly beautiful, and although practicing yoga myself is often just as moving, it was different to visually see what I often feel on the inside. I was explaining to my teacher how I felt after observing her class, and felt myself tearing up, but pushed it all down, because I didn't want to be sobbing in the middle of the studio. During my therapy session this week, I talked to my therapist about the mistake I made trying to help someone, and again had to push down the tears. I'm filled to the brim with tears, and I can physically feel the fullness throughout my body. Coincidentally, or maybe not so much, the topic with my nutritionist this week focused on feeling full. It is something that I'm supposed to be trying to tolerate. I rarely eat enough at one time to get full because I don't like how it feels. I'm trying to figure out why it is that if I hate being full, why I can't allow myself to cry when I need to. My therapist says that crying is a sign of strength and self acceptance. When she says these things, I always think she is talking about everyone else, and I can agree with her. I need to apply her wisdom to myself. I make mistakes, and it doesn't make me a bad person.
We can cry over spilled milk sometimes.
We can cry, learn, and then move on...