I walked into the kitchen, seeing the plate of grilled hamburgers on the counter as I walked into the room. I was hungry, and hadn't eaten much all day, which was no excuse for ripping off a piece of the meat and stuffing it into my mouth. My husband walked into the kitchen at the same time, so I flung the meat back onto the plate, hoping that he hadn't seen that I was eating. As I read this back to myself I see the words "no excuse," as if I need to have a reason for eating. I know that realistically, I don't, and yet, that is always how I feel. I feel such shame for needing to eat. I'm doing better. I eat in restaurants, I order food for myself, I eat in front of people, but there are also so many times when I feel ashamed by the act of eating. I'm still trying to figure out where this shame comes from. If I could figure it out, I think I would be so much closer to healing. As always, I can tell myself that it is okay, and that I deserve food, but believing it is another thing entirely. I told my nutritionist about the whole incident today when we had our session, but I don't feel like she had much insight. I want an answer. I want to fix it...to not feel this way.
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2 Comments:
It strikes me as odd that you didn't want your husband to see you eat, which would make him happy and relieved. This seems sorta passive-aggressive. Are you punishing him?
You need to stop looking to your nutritionist or whoever else for the answer. The answer is within you. If you want to fix it, then fix it. We all have issues to resolve and the answer is in making the decision to just do it. I'm sure you ARE tired of feeling this way. Who wouldn't be after all this time. You have to do the work like everyone else if you want this change in your life. There are no easy answers, but there is a clear answer. Decide what you want and do it.
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