Friday, May 20, 2011

Positive Changes


I have been practicing yoga for close to three months now, and I can't believe the difference it has made in my life. I look forward to going, and I go almost everyday. It is a huge stress reliever,and I'm beginning to feel better about my body. When I came home from Renfrew, I was at the low end of a healthy weight, and then I gained ten pounds due to some medications. Ten pounds is a lot on someone who is under five feet tall, and I was so unhappy and uncomfortable. Even after I stopped taking those medications, as much as I starved myself, the weight would not come off. It is so strange to me that as soon as I started eating and added exercise, I lost all of the weight. I really believed that I would never be able to eat the way that other people ate. I'm still not quite up to the number of calories that I need, and I'm burning more than I'm taking in, but it is still so much more food than I've eaten in years. When I wasn't eating, the thoughts about food took up so much space in my head. I obsessively planned out what little food I would eat, and would even dream about eating. I try not to let myself get to the point of painful hunger and getting light headed. I don't feel so spaced out and disconnected, and with that comes the presence of emotion. I deal with that without trying to run away. There are still moments of longing, when I desperately want to escape, and those are the times when I do fall back on the eating disorder. I think that I will always have to be aware of that in times of stress. My treatment team is worried right now that the weight loss is not going to taper off and at this point, I have no idea what my weight is going to do. Hopefully I will be able to increase my food intake enough to stay stable, so the work will continue. I'm enjoying where I am at this moment though, and for once, I can say that is good enough. There is no such thing as perfection when it comes to anything, and especially not in recovery. I'm coming to accept that, and I think that is a big part of my battle.


Just me said...

You're amazing! So proud of how far you've come!!

Eve said...

You are really cruizin woman! I love your honesty here. I am also glad to hear the kudos for the yoga, I have been praying about if I should start that and am glad to hear how it is helping you.
Keep up the good work, and remember to be gentle on yourself!

I Hate to Weight said...

Wow! extraordinary work you are doing.

with the weight, you'll figure it out. our bodies really do want to do their own thing. mine so likes to be bigger. but it's really clear, it knows what it wants!

happy sunday