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Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Dust Has Settled

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There used to be a time when I obsessively kept my house clean. I crawled around on my hands and knees picking up the toys that my toddlers scattered on the floor. They would get a toy out, and as soon as they had moved on, I would put what they had previously been playing with back in its spot. I made myself crazy with it. I cooked gourmet meals, grew my own herbs, living in some pretend Martha Stewart existence. When my kids took a nap I would do hundreds of sit ups in my living room, while watching the food network, tasting the food through osmosis. I planned play dates, trips to the library, and studied everything I could about autism because my second son had been diagnosed at the age of four. I didn't sit still for a moment because if I did, I knew that I would have to face what I did not want to know. Now the dust has settled, and I am still. What does this mean? When did I make the unconscious decision to unleash my demons, turning my life upside down, and shaking me to the very core of my soul. Now here I am in the present, picking up the pieces, and without my rose colored glasses, things sure do look messy, and I'm learning to be okay with that. I ache, and often find myself taking deep breaths to push myself forward. I'm almost 45 years old, half way through my life, and not willing to waste more time. I'm more than enough, and I deserve to take up space in this world. As the title of my blog says, "I am here, I am now."

4 Comments:

azhe'n said...

you asked when did i make the conscious decision to unleash my demons which i found intriguing because the image you used was that of butterflies being set free. i guess, for me, that so often the vulnerability that frightens me so is this amazing human beauty that draws people closer to me. i wonder if in some way that isn't true of you, of all of us...

happy Sun-day. :)

Sia Jane said...

Letting go is so hard.
And yet, here you are.
Amazing.
Letting go xxxxxxx

Mom said...

That's my girl!

Eve said...

This is a brilliant, beautiful, honest post. Thank you for writing it. I am glad you are present in your life:)