Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Processing Time

I have worked with kiddos with autism for over fifteen years, as well as having my own son with autism. I'm used to waiting a longer amount of time for a response than what is considered average. People with developmental disabilities, as well as individuals with brain injuries have a longer processing time, so I wait...
I'm just now realizing that I have a longer than average processing time when it comes to my emotions. 
Feelings are unlabeled because I have no idea in the moment what is happening. 
I store my emotions like a chipmunk storing nuts for the winter, and then they explode before I even have a chance to make much sense of them. 
This is why I have a therapist to help me sort through the mess of feelings that confound and confuse me on an almost daily basis. 
Laughter, and joy are easier to accept, but sadness and anger I have labeled as bad, and off limits, so I do all kinds of inappropriate things with those emotions in particular. 
It is where my eating disorder came from, as well as self harm and dissociation. 
I turn my anger and sadness in the only direction I know, which is at myself. 
I have been taught some great skills from my treatment team, as well as from my yoga teachers, but they don't always work, and that is frustrating. 
Nothing is full proof, and when my tools fail me, I feel like a failure. 
My therapist tells me,"feeling is not being," and so feeling like a failure does not mean that I am a failure. 
Tonight I worked all day, went to therapy, and taught two yoga classes. 
I didn't have time to check in or acknowledge my feelings, but they still caught up with me. 
I came home, sat down, took a few deep breaths, and gahhhh...
I'm crying! 
Damn, I'm sad, happy, tired, and fucking confused...
Delayed emotional reaction in progress! 
I can't even get comfort when I need it most of the time, because when it hits me that I need it, there is no one around. 
It is no wonder that so often I feel alone...
I am not alone. 
I am loved. 
I am loved. 
I am loved. 
It just takes me awhile to feel it...


Mishap Maven said...

You are very loved.
I can relate, very much to tbis. I sometimes think that just by being women, we are taught to hide those "negative" feelings. They really aren't bad....they just ARE.
I've been feeling off...While I know this will not help your situation, perhaps it will help to know you're not alone.
Love you.