Today I told a friend that knows about my eating disorder and the sexual abuse that all that I wanted to be was "normal." Of course he then asked what that meant, and all that I could think of were the things that I did not want to be. I said with self deprecating humor the other day that I apologize for my mere existence, but the truth is that I too often apologize for being who I am. I say I'm sorry at least a few times a day, and sometimes for things that I didn't even do, or were beyond my control. "It was my fault," is the reoccurring theme in my life. I relive the pain of the past, unable to see who and where I am now. I fear the future because I'm afraid that I'm going to fail at who I want to be. I want to be a whole, unbroken woman, who loves, laughs, cries, feels, and actually lives in the present. I want so much, and I'm afraid that it is too much...that I'm too much. My feelings inside are a jumble of mixed and confusing emotions that I can't seem to sort out. Maybe this is what healing is because I'm beginning to actually feel all of the feelings that I numbed myself from for so long. The eating disorder was a sweet distraction from my emotions, but it is no longer working, even though I'm still using those behaviors as a way to cope. So why not just stop, give it up, and take a leap of faith.
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8 Comments:
good idea Angela. Go for it!
You are doing a good job. Sexual abuse survivors have a tendency to hold on to all of our coping mechanism.
I can relate so very much. When I stopped numbing myself I was confronted with so many confusing feelings and didnt know what to do or how to react. It was as exhausting as it was exhilarating. I got taught to recognize and manage emotions (hard stuff!). The most important message I got however it that I have started a journey without knowing the outcome. Trying to force the recovery in a direction of what I had imagined I wanna be, will only hinder the recovery! Sigh. Now I exercise: let go and let is happen. Hugs to you, Paula xxx
Thanks Paula:) I know what you mean about the exhiliration. I feel so up and down, but mostly positive. I feel excited to finally be healing!
Wanda and Ann<3<3<3
I hope you take the leap, because you deserve a happy, healthy life free of your ED. I believe in you <3
*hugs*
Nicole
Another wonderful read!
Yes, I say take that leap of faith. What do you have to lose, really?
I keep asking myself the same question and lately I've been on the uphill climb (again) and I'm struggling inside. Grr...so ridiculous really, but it happens and it's a part of me.
The thing is, really there is nothing to lose in taking that leap of faith, grabbing your life "by the horns" so to speak and having a little fun while you're at it!
(I'm telling myself this too)
Sending TONS of love...wish I could give you a big hug....love you lots.
T.
Do it then! Only you can do it for yourself. No one else can do it for you.
Superman
As a recovering person myself, I can relate to developing a poor coping mechanism that eventually fails to control the bad feelings inside. Yet I kept going back to my habit time and time again, despite the self-destructive aspects of it.
You seem to be at a point in your life when it is finally okay to open up the issues to take a good look. I hope your recovery road will be as fruitful as mine has been. May you find the peace you certainly deserve!
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