Wednesday, April 14, 2010

My List of Wants



  • To listen and be heard
  • To see and be seen
  • To feel and be felt
  • To make a difference
  • To matter
  • To live in the now
  • To feel joy
  • To grieve
  • To trust
  • To have faith
  • To have self worth
  • To nurture and be nurtured
  • To move on
  • To nourish myself body and soul
  • To hold on
  • To be held

Oh, the list is endless, but never the less, I'm working on believing that I deserve those things. I swallow my feelings instead of swallowing food, but I'm stuffed full of emotions that long to spill out, and I'm afraid that they will be too much for me or anyone else to handle. For so long, what I've really been working on is disappearing.

On Monday evening, I turned pillows into punching bags, and it felt so good, although I cannot pinpoint what triggered my anger. I suppose I have reasons for my pent up rage, but it surprised even me. I rarely show anger to anyone, instead I become mute. No one was around, so it felt safe to release it. Healing is exhausting, but slowly the weight is lifting. I haven't had flashbacks, panic attacks, or *dissociated in weeks. Now if I could get this eating disorder under control. My therapist says that it will be the hardest thing for me to let go of, and I think she is right. Most of me still doesn't even want to let it go, and I know that sounds sick and horrible, but it makes me feel safe for some reason that doesn't even make sense to me. I need to find the right key to fit the lock. All that I can do is to keep on searching.

* In psychology and psychiatry, a perceived detachment of the mind from the emotional state or even from the body. Dissociation is characterized by a sense of the world as a dreamlike or unreal place and may be accompanied by poor memory of the specific events, which in severe form is known as dissociative amnesia.
The term dissociation refers to the act of separating or the state of being separated.


Anonymous said...

You will never know if you can or cannot handle the emotions unless you let them out. The same can be said for others. If you have never let anyone else see your emotions, then you do not know if they can handle them or not. You will need to let them out and let go of the fear to find out. It is the faith part of life. You cannot live in the shadows of life or your issue for ever. It is about taking back control of your life and allowing yourself to live. How do you get there, you are the only one who knows that.


Angela said...

I don't want to live in the shadows forever. I feel like I'm trying to let out my emotions. It is harder than I thought, and fear gets in the way. I'm afraid of what happens when I let go. You are right though. I'll never find out if I don't take a leap of faith. I'm trying.

Poetic Shutterbug said...

We have to allow ourselves to express our emotions in order to be free. I love your poem as so deeply expressed with a message of heartfelt hope.

Ann said...

Letting it out is a good thing to do. Keeping everything bottled up inside isn't good for anyone and it's so exhausting.

Nicole said...

You do matter. You matter a great deal to me. If it had not been for you, I don't think I would have had the courage to begin recovery for my ED. Your genuine support and encouragement has made a remarkable difference in my life and I will forever be grateful for you and your friendship <3

All my love <3

Ferd said...

wants and needs
self care
anger and rage
flashbacks and panic attacks
eating disorder
man-o-man, you are a project!!! LOL

I say all that in a gently teasing tone, though I know it is serious stuff.
I am impressed that you have such good awareness of the issues at play. Each of those things you mentioned in this post, and more, will deserve your careful introspection and processing. I foresee many excellent blog posts in the future! :-)