Life can be so strange and ironic at times. I just finished a poem about the decision that I had made not to get back in contact with my dad, and the next day, my aunt calls, pleading with me to write or call him. She tells me that he has really turned his life around, and that he just wants a second chance to have a relationship with me. I already knew that from the letter that he sent me, but I wasn't so sure that he had changed. I feel like hearing that should make me want to change my mind, but for some reason, it just doesn't, and I wonder if that makes me a bad person. Why am I so unforgiving? My aunt also told me that my cousin will be getting married in November, and she wants all of us to come to the wedding. I would like to go, but that would mean seeing my dad. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I should try, but something is holding me back from writing or calling him, and I'm not quite sure what it is.
You know...that is not true. I think that I do know what it is. It is my own fear of anger, and being able to express it towards him. Anytime that he hurt me, I always said that it was okay. I was always looking out for his feelings. He always had an excuse for his behavior, and I always let him off the hook. I'm running away from my own anger. Maybe I at least need to tell him how much pain his neglect caused me, and how his neglect was the reason that I was raped while I was in his care. He needs to know this, and I have avoided telling him because I'm always trying to protect his feelings, and even that makes me angry. I always protected his feelings because I was afraid that if I didn't, he would go away, but it didn't matter, because he went away anyway. I think that I will write these things in a letter to him, and just see where that takes us. Blogging is so good for figuring things out sometimes:)
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Hi Angela ~
I was very moved by what you wrote about your father. In support of you and in honor of all that you are, I would offer that it is so important to listen to and to trust your feelings, always, but especially at times when others are pulling your focus away from your own truth. Sometimes, when we make a big and difficult decision, someone or something will pop up immediately to test our resolve. You are the only one who knows, deeply, what you have gone through with your father and what pain lives in your heart.
In order to heal, you have to face that pain, not cover it up to protect him. If you feel safe in expressing it to him, I would say that is a direct path to discovering if he has, indeed, changed enough, if at all. In the end, what is most important, whether you talk to him again or not, is that you trust yourself, love who you are and stand strong in your right to be safe in this world and have relationships that nurture and respect who you are.
Take good care,
Melana
Thank you, Melana. You have some very wise words!
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you and i are like parallel souls, my father was the one who walked in on my "uncle" raping me. He beat him up and through him back in his room across the hall from mine. He shared this room with my little brother. when my dad came back in the room, he held me and said "why baby, why did you let him do it?" I just kept apologizing over and over again.
I spent the rest of his life trying to gain his favor. It was like he was punishing me for what I had done. He never ever told me he loved me after that and i followed him around like a little lost puppy dog doing anything to please him. On the night he died I stuck a needle in my arm. I wanted to die because I knew if my daddy couldn't love me then no one ever would. I miss him still he had such a charming personality. He has been gone for over 5 years now and i have been clean for 4 years. If he hadn't died I would never have gotten clean. I would never have hit my bottom.
My Advise to you, say what you need to say, and when the time is right you will and it will feel much better to not have this anxiety. Learn to love him right where he is at, and hold on to your boundaries. Thanks for the awesome post, it really hit home.
Learning to love from afar is one of the most difficult (no), tricky (no), (I don't have the right words)... fulfilling things we can do for ourselves, others and the universe.
Blessings,
Kara
I think it's good to express your feelings to your father in a letter. Maybe a written correspondence for awhile would help both of you take small steps toward settling things between you. Releasing him from the prison you keep him in is probably hurting you much more than it's hurting him. You don't have to welcome him back into your life and give him the love and trust he had before, but releasing him will free you. And you need to take care of yourself. I continue to pray for you. I've also given you an award for courage. Your ability to continue living your life and seek healing is truly an inspiration.
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