Friday, November 20, 2015
"Hurt people hurt people." I don't know where that quote originated, but isn't it the sad truth? It is an endless cycle that continues out of anger and unspoken needs. We throw around the word "forgiveness" as if that will solve everything, but it doesn't erase the pain. The more compassion I have for myself, the easier it is to let go of the anger. The pain is a different beast. You have to befriend the pain, acknowledge it, and keep it company for awhile. This I am learning...I can't starve it away, or drink it away. I can't check out anymore. No...I have to be present with the pain, and that kind of makes me mad, and so I return to the anger. I reach for compassion and forgiveness toward myself, again so that I can soften the anger, soften my heart, and it is a process of coming back again and again to loving myself. I'm a novice at this, so I make mistakes. I lashed out in anger at someone that I love because they couldn't love me in exactly the way that I wanted. I offered them my heart, which is soft, and easily bruised, and out of love and trying to protect me, they did the opposite of what they were trying to help me learn. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "The love you withhold is the pain you carry." When someone withholds their love after you have tentatively offered yours, the pain is twofold. Withholding has only two goals that I can see; either to punish the other person, or to maintain the balance of power, and no matter what the situation or context of the relationship, neither one of those reasons is right in my mind, and never will be. For now, I'm babysitting my pain with tender care, hoping for resolution and understanding, with the heartbreaking knowledge that I may have to walk away from someone who was pivotal in helping me to change my life for the better. If that has to happen I will most possibly be the strongest bitch walking the face of the earth.
"Sometimes you search so hard for words. You look for a way to interpret the language of this heart and the unspoken bond you feel. But in the end you are left with nothing but silence. And deep down you hope it's understood."