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Friday, November 20, 2009

Surrounded By Love

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I've been missing here for almost a week. My emotions are everywhere, and so much has taken place since I last posted. First of all, my grandpa passed away last week. That wasn't really all that emotional. We were not close. After my parents divorced when I was eight, my dad's side of the family fell away. They did not stay in contact, even though we still resided in the same city. I struggled with whether or not to attend the visitation. I knew that my dad would be there, and I had broken ties with him ten years ago. He was a drug addict and alcoholic, and always very narcissistic and self serving. He never payed child support, and yet, always drove the latest Corvette. I did end up going to the visitation with my husband and children. My dad was there, and he cried, and went on and on about how he had changed. He credits his fiance' with helping him to turn his life around, calling her an "angel." Well, we were never enough to give him reason to turn his life around. He never once asked me how I was doing, a week has passed, and he has yet to call me. I'm not really surprised, but it still hurts, and I'm taken aback by the anger. It has come out towards everyone but him, because , as usual, he's not around to even get angry with.
I walked out of my therapy session on Wednesday. We were talking about the AA meetings, and how much I hate them. She insisted that I need more outside support than she could give, and I argued that I don't need group support. I ended up walking out, and then called her and said that I was done with therapy and my nutritionist. We talked later on that night, and worked everything out, but I still feel so much anger, with nowhere to direct it towards. I am finished with AA though. It is just way too religious for me. I'm really private with my faith, and feel like it is a very personal relationship that I don't want to share with others. Tomorrow I am going to a different addiction support group called SOS, or
Secular Organizations for Sobriety. It " maintains that sobriety is a separate issue from religion or spirituality. SOS credits the individual for achieving and maintaining his or her own sobriety, without reliance on any "Higher Power." I hope that I will feel more comfortable in these meetings, even though I'm still not convinced that I need group support.
I'm doing horrible when it comes to food and the eating disorder. I'm continuing to lose weight, which is very triggering in and of itself. I'm actually hanging on to the E.D. for dear life at the moment. The less I eat, the less appetite I have. My hunger cues are non existent. Today I have managed to drink some orange juice, and only because I was light headed. Food just doesn't feel safe. I'm overwhelmed with feelings, and without the eating disorder to help reign them in, I don't know where I would be. Thanksgiving is going to be hard. It is too much food to even contemplate! I miss my mom and my step dad, and I'm looking forward to their visit during the Christmas holiday's. I need to feel surrounded by love.

7 Comments:

Poem said...

Nice blog do you have care to exchange link?

Ann said...

So sorry to hear you've been having such a rough time. Good luck with the SOS meeting, hope it works out for you.

Poetic Shutterbug said...

You have been experiencing such terrible times in your life but you always hang in there which tells me you are a brave soul. Dealing with family can be tough, believe me I know especially around the holidays. Take care of yourself and know that your husband and children love you and that's what matters most.

Wanda's Wings said...

I hope the SOS meeting are helpful. Please take care of yourself and remember you are loved.

Ruth said...

Sorry to hear about your grandfather. I'm feeling pretty unloved here myself, like my whole family resents my presence in their lives--the last couple weeks I'm finding myself spending more and more time in bed sleeping. Not good, I know--I feel like I need happy positive people around me and all I've got here are negative sourpusses. Hopefully things will get better for both of us soon!

Jennifer said...

I am so sorry that you've been having a difficult time. But it sounds like you are making the right decision to switch to a different group, which is a very positive thing.

Anonymous said...

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