Sunday, November 22, 2009

A Disappearing Act


Yesterday I went to the new addiction support group that I was talking about. It was held in the back room of a little downtown coffee shop. I arrived about fifteen minutes early, asked if there was anyone there yet, and sat down in the coffee shop with a vanilla latte'. I waited, and only saw two people go into the back meeting room. Two people! I didn't stay. It only meets once a week, so I'm assuming it isn't ever a large group. I was disappointed, because it had sounded so promising. I guess I will go back to AA a few more times, and attempt to give it a shot. I promised that I would try, so I don't want to go back on my word.
Yesterday, I barely ate anything, and I know that not having an appetite is a poor excuse. I know what I need to be doing, but right now I have zero motivation to do it. The weight is coming off, and to tell you the truth, that thrills me. The eating disorder itself is a type of addiction. Once I get into this pattern, I find it so difficult to stop. The voice of my eating disorder is so loud right now, and I find it hard to ignore. My therapist always asks me why it is so important for me to be thin. The immediate answer is to say that I want to take up as little space as possible. A friend of mine who is also struggling with anorexia said the same thing, that we feel apologetic for our very existence. If I could only disappear, it would be better, and I would be safe. I'm not sure why I feel that way. I do know that I'm loved, and important to so many people. I think that it goes back to my dad not making me feel like I was important, and the rape definitely did a number on my self esteem. I remember thinking after the rape, that I was bad, and that there was something wrong with me. I felt ugly to the very core of my being, and I've walked around with that feeling for most of my life. I do want to recover, but I can't find the will to make it happen. To be free from all of the negativity in my head. The voice that tells me I'm not good enough, smart enough...never enough. To be rid of the numbers, the measuring, the calories, the checking of my bones, to make sure they are still there, and not hiding behind a layer of fat. I'm weary, and yet I continue to forge ahead on this destructive path, strangely feeling that my life depends on it. Lately in therapy, we have been focusing on the alcohol, when I believe that is the least of my problems. I'm drowning in this eating disorder, and because I'm not a walking skeleton at the moment, no one seems to see it. Isn't it interesting that I can say in one sentence that my wish is to disappear, yet I want everyone to see me, and to validate that I'm worth saving. It is all such a dichotomy, and my mind swims in the confusion.
Somewhere inside, I need to find the strength and self worth to save myself.


PJ said...

angela, my friend, i find myself not knowing what to say to try and help you. i just want you to know that i am here supporting you in any way that i can. much love to you...

Angela said...

Thank you PJ. You don't have to say anything at all. Just your friendship is enough! Much love to you too<3

Wanda's Wings said...

I wish I had a way to make things right for you. You are a lovely person that deserves happiness. Hang in there my friend.

The Frugal Angel-Guided Psychic said...

May I offer up a little advise that I have received and that many of my clients hear from their angels~

"You are very much loved. It is you that pleases God. So, allow that love into your being.... medicating through addiction only feed the addiction (what ever it is). You are not the sum of your experiences here on earth. You are that and so much more~ your soul. Please share it with all of the universe."

I will keep you in my prayers and ask that you hear your higher calling more loudly and that these "base-pulls" become quiet. (If that is okay with you)

Love Always,

Angela said...

Thank you Kara. That was beautiful!

Ruth said...


Anonymous said...

Your comment on your last entry was "Well, we were never enough to give him reason to turn his life around." So you know first hand the pain of having your own parent dismiss the importance of his children. Yet you are giving the same message to your children. You cannot judge your father when you are doing the exact same thing. You are wanting to turn your life around and your children should be enough reason to do that.

Jude said...

I am never good with advice so I wont offer any however I feel like you need a hug so I'm sending a virtual one your way.

I am grateful for every experience I've ever had whether bad or good and there is always something to learn. I've had addictions through the years and they are difficult sometimes to deal with, but you are worth saving always remember that.

Angela said...

My dad just recently got sober for a new girlfriend. He never did do it for my brother and I. I'm trying to recover for my children and family.

Barbara Rae said...

I think by what you said in closing here, "Somewhere inside, I need to find the strength and self worth to save myself!"

By saying that, I think you did just find a lot of strength! You are reaching out to us, your readers, and you know you have the love and support of your family. You, can do this! No one said it would be easy...but you can do it!

Miss Sara said...


Why'd you leave the group? If there were "only" 2 people, so what? Does it matter how many ppl go? You thought it sounded promising, so I suggest you go back & give it a shot. You may learn something from one of those two ppl & they may need you.

Girlfriend, I read this... and I think: WOW... you really need to learn to work thru and let go of the feelings that you have associated w/ your past trauma's so that you CAN stop this eating disorder cycle. If we don't get to the root of our problems, cut that root, REMOVE it, and throw it OUT it will continue to live or even grow w/in us.


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