Promises

Last night I went to my last AA meeting. It was horrible, and I felt uncomfortable through the whole thing. It was a men's and women's group, and was fairly small. We had to sit around in a circle, and then stand up, say our names, say we were alcoholics, and talk about what we are grateful for. I'm really shy in front of people that I don't know. This was the first meeting that I've been to where I was put on the spot. For one thing, I refuse to say that I'm an alcoholic, so I didn't. I said a few short sentences about what I'm grateful for, and that was it. I was very nervous while waiting for my turn, and I couldn't even focus on what anyone else was saying until my turn was finished. The whole religious aspect of AA also really turns me off. I called my therapist after the meeting and told her that I wasn't going to go anymore. I started crying, and was very upset because I thought that maybe she would stop seeing me, but she told me to calm down, and that we would work something else out. I don't know what that will be, but anything has to be better than AA for me. I'm really glad that it works for others, but for me, it doesn't fit. I have to be comfortable in a situation before I can get anything out of it. Including the meetings that I went to when I was in treatment, I've been to eight meetings, and have never felt at ease with any of them. I think that I'm very overwhelmed with the thought of never drinking again, but if I break it into smaller parts, and just focus on each day, it feels more doable. For now, while I'm still in therapy and working on my recovery, I promised my therapist and my husband that I would not drink, and I have every intention of keeping that promise.