Saturday, September 4, 2010

Not Lost, Just Wandering


"You can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, and life's like an hourglass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button, girl, so cradle your head in your hands, and breathe, just breathe."
~Anna Nalick

Yesterday turned out to be a better day than I thought it would be. At least I didn't get hit, only swung at a few times. I know that working with me is an adjustment for this child, and that transitioning is hard for those with autism. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, and hope that the aggression will subside some after he gets used to me. The only problem is that I know that he was highly aggressive prior to my arrival. I don't believe that he should be in a classroom where other children especially could get hurt. Since I've been with him, he has already struck another child in the stomach, leaving a red mark, and we had to write a note to his parents. This is not okay in my opinion, but of course, my opinion doesn't really matter much. My supervisor told me to take it as a compliment that they give me some of the hardest kids, but a lot of good that will do me if I end up getting seriously injured. Oh well...enough complaining about my job! Let's see...what else can I complain about?;-)

Last night I had some seriously frightening dreams that I was hospitalized yet again. It was horrible, and I woke up feeling very afraid. I don't want to go down that road. I think that I have it together, you know? I can control the eating disorder, but not the depression. The depression takes hold with it's ugly grip, and I feel powerless, but right now, for all that I'm going through, I'm not really depressed. I'm more anxious than anything. I had a panic attack the day before yesterday while I was in my car, and it wasn't pretty, because I'm out of medication. I hadn't had one in a long time, so I didn't refill it. I know that I will get through this. It is just another difficult blip in my life. I've been through much worse, and here I still am. Maybe I'm not lost, just wandering.


Wanda's Wings said...

You have so much going on. I hope the anxiety and depression lifts. I know how hard it can be when they are in control. I hope the boy does get settled down. Standing here with you.

Angela said...

Thanks Wanda:)

Paula said...

Angela, I am so sorry for all what is going on. You are right, not all who wander are lost. Yet wandering is exhausting, you get dusty, hungry, maybe lonely and angry. And you need rest. Kindness, self care. I hope you have a restfull Sunday. Hugs across the pond

Ann said...

Wandering isn't always a bad thing. It allows you to explore and discover new and wonderful things.

Lisa said...

You should realize how strong you are to still be standing through this storm. I hope things get better. Make sure to be taking care of yourself in the midst of all this going on.

take care

HONEY said...

i'm am quite positive that you can shake off your depression. it just needs time, willpower and distraction. i was extremely depressed about 2 year ago (my mother died of cancer 4 years ago) and suddenly, at night when i was crying and thinking about suicide for the gazillionst time i realised: i need to kick depression's butt! you need to want to break free. you need to want to think positive. you need to want to have fun and you need to want to forget.

maybe it sounds easier than it will be to do it, but it worked out. nowadays i have some times when i feel down but otherwise i'm genuinely satisfied with my life and it's just normal to have good and bad days (without the bad days the good ones wouldn't stand out and it would be boring ;) )

hope this piece of advise can help you


I Hate to Weight said...

beautiful last paragraph. i wonder about your writing background. your poetry and prose are so excellent and evocative.

you're a strong woman for managing your day job.

i had a panic attack today -- not sure why. i'd just taken a long walk with my niece and my sister tracked us down to pick us up, because my niece was late and not answering her phone. tensions and tempers rose, and i think i took it in.

i hate panic attacks. hope you're feeling better.

Missy said...

You deserve a medal for what you do. Most imoportant job in the world and that was not complaining!

You are an angel.

Ruth said...

Hope things get better soon! I'm having a bit of a hard time here myself, something at Social Security got screwed up and my kids' income and health insurance was stopped several weeks ago. I've been trying to get it reinstated but they're dragging their feet--my son has been off his ADHD meds for nearly a month! The doctor and the school have called SSA too, hopefully it will get straightened out soon. The school actually sent DS to the hospital last week, said he was acting really weird. One of the things he's on is Geodon and the school nurse told me that going off that suddenly can cause psychiatric problems.

Angela said...

I'm sorry to hear this, Ruth. I hope things improve for you and your family soon!

Ruth said...

Thanks...I got a call this morning from a worker from the state Department of Mental Retardation (my daughter is going to be transitioning to adult services soon)and told her about it, she's coming next week and from what she said she might have some ideas to help us with the Social Security situation. So hopefully things will be straightened out soon.

Angela said...

So glad to hear that!:)