Strength
Ahhh, it's Friday! Although it was a short work week for me, it still felt long and slow. I'm dragging, and it doesn't help that I've been out of my anti-depressant all week. The pharmacy is having trouble getting it or something. I'm definitely feeling more down, which is to be expected, but I hate that I really am so dependent upon the medication. I know that the reality is that I will probably be on them all of my life, but it is irksome(that word makes me smile.) Anyway, the pharmacy called today, and my prescription is in, so I should be back to my oh, so happy self, very soon.
My therapy session on Wednesday was intense. We talked about how painful journaling has been, and we talked about how to deal with new memories. My way of dealing with any new memory has been to go back to the beginning and try to make some sort of sense out of what happened to me, but obviously that is counter productive because it will never make sense. It was wrong, and no matter what new information I have, it will always be wrong. I have to remember that I was not at fault, and that I only did what I thought I could do at the time to survive. My therapist tells me all of the time how strong I am, and I have a difficult time acknowledging those words. I don't feel strong now, but when I look back at the little girl that I was, I can see that she had so much strength and courage. I want to be able to own those words and apply them to the woman I am now. Most of the time, I feel like I'm a failure because of the ways in which I cope with the pain. The eating disorder, the suicide attempt, the alcohol abuse, the depression...those things make me feel like a failure. All that I can continue to do is to work on those things, and hopefully one day soon, I will find and feel the power of my own strength.
Comments
I tend to think of my blog as a kind of secondary journal--and your secondary journal is as raw and brave as any I've seen.
I don't know what you've been through, specifically, but as someone who goes into denial over something as small as the death of a pet lizard, I know that facing it like you are doing takes a lot. I definitely, definitely admire your strength.
I like that word irksome, I think I'll start using it :)
When I think of strong people, I don't think of people who are perfect and who live without struggles, I think of people who are honest and aren't afraid to admit their imperfections, and who are courageous enough to face their struggles and fears and try their hardest to overcome them.
You are incredibly strong, Angie. And you give so much strength to others.
All my love <3<3<3
Nicole
Sarah
You know, I was in my car on Friday after taking my boys to their dad and I had a thought that came to me out of the blue: "what will happen when I have no eating disorder anymore? Who will I be?"
It was weird and hit me rather hard. I say it came out of the blue, but really it came after a cheeseburger and before going out to dinner with my husband. I was apparently feeling guilty for the burger (even though I skipped lunch and my stomach was literally hurting from being so empty). Still...
Anyway, I too have begun drinking more. It's weird. It's as if I MUST have something terrible going on in my life. I know this will sound totally stupid, but I feel like I have to constantly have something bad going on so it can curb all the happiness I feel. It's a way to "prevent" the bottom from falling out. Doesn't make a bit of sense, does it?
It's almost like it gives me control. However, like you I feel intense guilt for drinking too much, not eating enough/too much...blahh, blahh, blahh. It's to the point that I just don't give a damn anymore.
I agree with Sairs...be gentle to yourself. Treat yourself as if you were your own child. With love, patience, and kindness.