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Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Journaling

My journal entries are only random words. They mean nothing, but bring so much pain when I read them back to myself. My therapist tells me to journal, but I don't think this is what she meant. There are words, colors, smells...pain...so much pain. I've had some new memories, so she said to journal... I can't. I cannot even say or breathe the ugliness. I've tried, but all I can find are single words, feelings, nothing specific. It means nothing to no one but me. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

9 Comments:

Wanda's Wings said...

I am sorry for your pain.I understand what you are saying. I had trouble writing now the words, smells,and taste. I t did help,but only open wide the wounds. I had to back off because it was too painful and use the less painful blog. Do what you can, but don't hurt yourself too badly.

Ann said...

Hugs to you Angela, hang in there and trust in your therapist.

Paula said...

I am so sorry for your pain. When I strated to blog I couldnt do differently then you do. After a while I managed to describe memories, smells and such. The comments I received helped me along, carrying on with my Trauma Therapy (35h per week). No, I relied on teh comments to actually make it to the day canter. The day center agin helped me to blog differently and the fear and pain coming with it, once again created the need for the comfort of teh comments. Often I thought my words, particulary in my Denglish, didnt make any sense. Still the comments cam ein, understanding and caring. Hang in there. Please give yourself time. Be kind to yourself. After so many years of struggles getting it out doesnt come easy. Safe hugs, Paula

Bing (PinkLady) said...

just keep on writing Angela... that, in itself, is helping you confront your issues even if they just consist of single words or syllables. one word, one page, one day at a time. hugsssss for you...

clean and crazy said...

hey girl, sorry you are having a rough time right now. i haven't been around much a lot of life going on here too.

just wanted to say i am thinking of you and i think you are awesome and even though it feels like you can't, the fact is you are. you are doing it, yes it hurts, but it won't hurt forever, if you don't let it.

i know you can do this and deep down inside so do you, go ahead and let those words come out, just like your doing, that is how the healing starts.

Flannery said...

If it hurts, you're probably going in the right direction. When it gets really bad for me, I always think this:

"Sometimes the only way out is through."

It helps me a lot.

Nicole said...

I'm so sorry your heart is hurting from painful memories, Angie. I wish you never had to feel any more pain. I love you very much and I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

All my love <3
Nicole

Jennifer said...

I think starting with just words, even if they seem disconnected, is the only way. And feeling the pain, while incredibly difficult, is part of the process. I know it can feel dangerous and bottomless, but I don't believe it is.

Poetic Shutterbug said...

Angela, journaling is a way to release the pain. I know it hurts to read those words but it's a means to unleash the pain that is inside. Trust me, it will help