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Sunday, March 21, 2010

Only A Bowl Of Cereal

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I ate a bowl of cereal. That’s all it was. A bowl of pumpkin seed flax granola with vanilla soy milk, to be exact. Not a huge fucking piece of cake, a bowl of ice cream, or any other food that I have deemed forbidden. It’s nothing to beat myself up over, and yet I am. See, for the past month and a half I’ve been having Boost or V8 Fusion for breakfast and lunch, but today I ate actual food, and now I feel overwhelmed by the fullness. I want to purge, but I’m not going to, so here I am, writing to distract myself. I know that if I can get myself to a certain point, the feeling will pass, or at least today, I hope it will. I don’t even know what made me go to the kitchen cupboard, pull down a bowl, and pour myself cereal. It wasn’t a plan or even a challenge. I just did it, and that is what scares me. What if I start eating everything without thought? I know the goal is to eat three meals a day, but usually I think it to death. Eating has never been an automatic response to hunger for me. I contemplate the idea of food and when I will allow myself to eat, but today, I just did it. I ate without thought or worry, and that terrifies me. My nutritionist would call this progress, but in my mind, progress means the one word in my vocabulary that I’m not suppossed to say… I’m not even going to write it, because we all know what it is. The cereal probably equaled approximately the same amount of calories as the Boost, so what is the difference, besides that I feel fuller? I need to be rational about this because it is only food. Food is what my body needs to sustain itself, and I deserve to eat and be healthy. I will remember that without food and nourishment, I am joyless.

* I ended up walking on the treadmill for an hour, but at least it wasn't purging, and I did drink the Boost for lunch.

9 Comments:

PJ said...

change can be frightening angela, but you have recognized that which is a positive thing. i am glad you ate the cereal and doubly glad that you didn't purge. high five to you!

hugz!

Angela said...

Thanks PJ. You are right about change. It seems that I do well, and then become so frightened that I turn right back around and fall into my old patterns. I'm working so hard this time not to do that.
Sending you much love and hugs<3

Nicole said...

I'm proud of you for eating and I am so glad that you didn't purge and were able to fight back against that urge. That took a lot of strength and was a great accomplishment.

Keep fighting, you will make it through this <3

Paula said...

It is easir to stay n the pit instead to painfully unfold teh past and start changing. Change is frightening. The pit we know the future ME I wont know. I had to start the journey of recovery without knowing the outcome. Awareness is the first step and you are taking it. You go girl.

Ann said...

Good job on eating the cereal and not purging. Even though it's scary I think that in going to get the cereal without thinking about it shows that you are on your way to a healthier you

Flannery said...

Well done on eating breakfast without purging! It's hard, and you're brave. Well done.

I hope you won't worry too much about starting to eat everything without a thought. Logically, of course, you already know that, so I don't really need to say it. But sometimes hearing it from someone else helps, so: even I, with BED, don't eat everything without a thought. And neither will you. It might feel like it at first, simply because you're used to obsessing over every bite, but that's you moving towards normal, not over-eating.

Kind of like when anti-depressants kick in and I think I'm out-of-control happy...but really I'm just not crippled with depression.

Anonymous said...

Hello Everybody!

I have been looking to figure out a good place to start with the acai berry free trial an was just wondering if anyone had any thoughts on whether or not it works for dieting? So far this is the one [url=http://acaiberries.blinkweb.com/new-blog.html]article[/url] I have been able to come across that seemed real for what my goals are. Opinions?

Poetic Shutterbug said...

You are so strong for fighting that urge. I'm happy you had something to eat that was healthy as well.

Sunny said...

Dear Anonymous,

This is probably not the best place to be asking that question. You should try online places like Bodyby Glamour where women are learning how to eat better and bet more active in a healthy way rather than using fad diets like the one you are speaking about.

Diets never work. They are a temporary "fix" for an situation that requires time, commitment and a life style change.

I wish you good luck, but you should really double check blogs and such before you post things like this that could potentially be triggering for others.

That said, Angie....Ii totally understand what you are saaying here. I go through this sometimes too....it fills me with guilt, but at the same time I have to remember that what I did was GOOD for my body, even if it did cause unrest in my mind. Just having juice for breakfast is only going to slow down your metabolism and in the long run will cause issues you probably don't want to go through again.

Remember, it REALLY was just a bowl of cereal and a super healthy, low fat, low calorie one at that!

Love you tons,
Theresa