Saturday, March 20, 2010

I Believe


"Realize that this very body, with its aches and it pleasures… is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive."
~ Pema Chodron

I had an appointment with my nutritionist this week, and I’m feeling better about my progress. I somehow felt like I was in a rut because I'm still drinking two of my meals, and I'm not yet ready to switch to actual food, but my weight is stable, so I guess that is good. I’m always so obsessed with losing weight, that it is hard for me to look at stable as a positive thing. I’m really working hard at following the meal plan that I have right now, and exercising in moderation, because at certain times in my life, excessive exercise has been a problem. My nutritionist isn't pushing me to do anything that I'm not ready to do, so I left my appointment actually feeling good about myself. Although it is hard for me to not look at recovery as failing my eating disorder, I’m working on re-framing that thought. Nurturing myself is not failure. It is me taking control, and treating myself with respect and kindness, because that is what I deserve. I no longer want to be a slave to the scale or to a certain size of clothing. I want to be able to accept my body not for what it looks like, but for what it can do for me.
In my appointment, we also talked again about enjoying food, taking my time while I eat, and using all of my senses to experience it, instead of just getting through the meal. I've been working on this, and it is difficult because when I enjoy a meal, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt. The other night at dinner we had some freshly made ravioli, and it was so good that I had a second small portion, but then there was that voice telling me how horrible and greedy I was, and I ended up purging. Of course that also makes me feel disgusting, so it seems as if there is no way to win. My nutritionist says that our bodies are very good at telling us when to stop eating if we pay attention to what our bodies tell us. For example she said that at the beginning of a meal, our taste buds are stronger, but that as we become full, the taste buds dull, and the food doesn't taste as good, signaling us to stop eating, if we listen. I've ignored my bodies cues for so long that it is hard for me to recognize what it is telling me. Right now I feel confused by what my body tells me. I used to love the feeling of being empty, but now hunger scares me almost as much as being full. I do realize that it is progress that I'm not comfortable with being hungry anymore. Now I only need to get past the fear that hunger will lead to overeating and gluttony. All that I have to do is trust the process, and I believe that eventually I am going to win. What a wonderful thing to be able to say...I believe:-)


Ann said...

It sounds to me like you are making great progress. Keep it up Angela.

Anonymous said...

Keep it up....I have always believed in you. Meet you at the other end.


Old man in Florida

Anonymous said...

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Nicole said...

I'm sorry you purged, but I'm glad that you stood right back up after your slip. You are right, you deserve to treat yourself with kindness and respect, and nurturing yourself does not make you a failure in any way.

I am so proud of you, Angie. You are always working very hard at recovery and you really have made so much progress. I believe you are going to win too :)

All my love <3

Johnnie said...

Thanks for posting this. Going without purging is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. And I graduated medical school... at the top of my class :) Not to brag, just saying, freedom from bulimia has been more difficult than getting and M.D. Keep writing, and never lose hope!