Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The Path Forward

The next path down the long and winding road. Pictures, Images and Photos

Every day I wake up with a sense of fear and dread, but I can't really pin down any reasons for why I feel this way. In fact I have many feelings that I seem unable to explain. On Saturday, I was feeling so sad, and then out of the blue came feelings of agitation and anger which I ended up taking out on some dishes that I was washing. These feelings come bubbling up to the surface and then I'm not sure what to do with them. The anger confuses me because it has no direction in which to go, and I don't want to take it out on my family, so I end up turning it inward. Maybe I just need a sturdy punching bag and some boxing gloves! Each day that I get through is a victory at this point. The thoughts of self harm are still there, but I'm able to push them down by thinking of my children and those I love. They are what keep me going right now. What scares me is the fact that my suicide attempt was impulsive and brought on by fear and panic. Yes, I had those thoughts before my attempt, but I never believed that I could actually ever carry those thoughts into action. Maybe that is where the sense of fear and dread come from. I'm afraid that I don't know how to live. I'm trying though. I'm trying to eat, although it has been difficult because I don't have an appetite at all. I'm also trying to get regular exercise because I know that it does help with the depression. My psychiatrist changed my meds, so now along with the Abilify, I'm also taking Lamictal, which is used as a mood stabilizer in treating bipolar disorder. It is supposed to help with the depression, so I'm really hoping that it does. I'm not worked up to a therapeutic dose yet, so it is hard to know if it is going to help. Work has been okay. My concentration and focus aren't all there, but it does seem greatly improved compared to last week, which actually seems like a blur to me now. My brother sent me a card yesterday, and in it, he wrote, "Sometimes you have to take one step backwards so you can see the path that goes forward." So, I will keep moving forward, even if it is only one baby step at a time.


Dolly's Diary said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dolly's Diary said...

Hi Angela,
I am so sorry for your pain. Hang in there for your family. I just posted about bipolar disorder on my blog. My mother suffered for years and also once attempted suicide. You can read her story on page 2 of my blog I believe, A mothers legacy. She hung in and got better with the right treatment and we had many wonderful years together. So from a child's perspective, forgive yourself, children always forgive their mother. My siblings and I always did no matter what.
Take Care,
Janet :)

Keris said...

dropping by ... for ANGEL

Jill said...

Dispite the range of emotions you are feeling, it sounds like you are keeping yourself in check and not acting on them. I can see in your writing that you want to be better and you are doing what it takes and that's to keep moving.

Shinade said...

Hi Angela,
I am Bi/Polar also. I am also agoraphobic and suffer from extreme and chronic panic disorder and PTSD.

I know what you are going through and it's miserable. At least you are writing and that is good.

Blogging has really helped me. I hope the new meds work for you.

I am available anytime on my blog if you just want to drop in.

And hey if you throw a dish so what? That's better than hurting yourself!

I'll be thinking about you!!:-)

Jennifer said...

I think this is the hard process of recovery, getting through those scary times of anxiety. And you're doing it (not that it's easy, but you are getting through: because you can.)

PinkLady said...

My dear Angela, I so feel for you. You have read my post about an uplifting song. And I have shared with you here (in a past post of yours) a short prayer. Maybe they can somehow help...

Please hold on... Tomorrow holds something much better for you. It's never easy but, yes, a baby step at a time will eventually lead you to healing and recovery. Here's a big H-U-G for you, friend!

These are just words but please believe that the friends you found here are true and we all care so much about you.

Blessings to you!

Bing (",)

Lenox Knits said...

getting it out there really is therapeutic. And the more people who can talk openly about their mental illness the less stigma there is in the world. I hope the meds start to help really soon.

Anonymous said...

When you visualize the "path forward" it should always lead you to your sons. You brought them into this world and there is nothing more important than you standing by that commitment. We all need to find that one thing that is more important than ourselves. Make your sons be that one thing for you.

Jane Doe said...

I hope that the new meds you're on bring you some relief. It is so frustrating trying to find the right combo. I'm sure your psychiatrist mentioned this, but just in case, watch out for a rash with Lamictal. Not to scare you or anything, but in rare cases it can be fatal so if you get a rash you need to contact your doc ASAP. I was taking it too and it seemed to be helping but then I got the rash both times we tried it so I can't take it anymore.

Thinking of you,


Shinade said...

Hi Angel,
Thanks so much for dropping by the other day. It really meant a lot ot me.

I am so so busy with hubby home so I am doing a drop and run today.

But, I did want you to know that I am thinking of you!!:-)