The Key

I cannot seem to control the shivering of my body, although the sun rests upon my shoulders, the panic rising in my throat, squeezing the breath from my lungs. These symptoms are the beginnings of a panic attack that I have been trying to control since I woke up. I went to yoga, welcoming the stillness of my mind as I concentrated on the movements of my body, but now my thoughts are racing ahead of themselves. I want to claw at my skin...to feel the pain that I think I deserve. My therapist told me this week to work on not letting anyone else define how I feel about myself, but that is so difficult for me to do. I care too much what other people think of me. I have had a rough week at work, and thoughts of wanting to give up plague me. I'm not good enough, and although I know that I cannot please everyone, I try so hard. I'm not perfect, but I feel like other people expect it of me. Maybe it is really that I expect it of myself. I want to be able to escape from my mind, and yes, sometimes this world. I'm feeling sorry for myself, because everything feels like too much resting on my shoulders. I'm on spring break this week, and hopefully I can recharge and take care of myself. Beating up on myself is never productive, leaving my spirit exhausted. I have a lot of rethinking of my life and what I want out of this life, letting go of so many expectations. I know that letting go is the key...