Wednesday, July 9, 2008

A Mental Health Day

I'm trying to feel better about everything , including the fact that I threw out the clothes that no longer fit my new, curvier figure. I've been sticking very close to my meal plan, which has been easier with my mom here visiting, but at the moment, I'm feeling very uncomfortable in my body. Claudia has been screaming at me ever since I threw away my child size jeans. She pleaded with me to try them on, so that she could rub my nose in the failure, but I refuse to listen this time. An adult woman in her 40's should not be wearing children's clothing.
Yesterday was a mental health day for me. I saw my psychiatrist about medication, along with a small lecture about my experiment with a complete med vacation. She started me on an anti-depressant along with my medication for the anxiety, so hopefully that will help lift me out of the depression. I've definitely learned my lesson when it comes to stopping medication "cold turkey." I also saw my therapist and nutritionist yesterday. It helped to talk to them about the feelings I had over cleaning out my closet, and the horrible feeling associated with my body. I'm constantly trying to find ways to leave this body. How do I find comfort and home within my own skin? The lyrics to a Sarah McLachlan song keep playing in my mind, and it is a good description of how I'm feeling.

Full Of Grace

"It's just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness
I feel like letting go
If all of the strength
and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you
much better than this
Full of grace."


Rachel said...

I like Sarah McLachlan, too :)

I'm always comforted by a couple lines in a Bruce Cockburn song. He's my absolute favorite music artist and I've been privileged to meet him twice after concerts. Anyway, he writes: "Gotta' kick at the darkness before it bleeds daylight."

Keep on kickin'.

Sunny said...

You're absolutely right, no WOMAN should have to wear children's clothing. I know it's so hard, but I'm so damned proud of you, you have no idea!

Girl, I've turned my closet upside down! You know, I've gone to wearing things that are comfortable. I hardly even wear jeans anymore because I end up feeling bad in my own skin and I've decided I deserve better than that. So, my least for summer????? Cute dresses that are fun, COMFY and make me feel good......AND womanly! :)

Remember, your body is merely a vessel in which you carry your soul...and your soul is what really matters. :)


Anonymous said...

There is alot of tragedy in the world. There are thousands of people who have experienced unbelievable pain and suffering like you have. And there are thousands more who have had to survive much, much worse. It can be done. Each day you get up and you make a decision on whether or not your will be a survivor. I would imagine all you need to do is look into the eyes of your children to know what has to be done. Walk away from the past and start walking toward your future.