Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Trying To Love

Trying to love my own body is hard. This society trains women especially, to be in constant competition with themselves, and even more sad than that, to be in competition with other woman. We are supposed to continually be trying to improve ourselves...tone this, lift that, firm and tighten, lose weight. It is an endless battle that can never be won. Yesterday, for a brief moment, I was feeling okay about my body...not great, but okay. I even let my husband catch a glimpse of my naked self before I quickly dressed. Maybe it is just an adjustment period, and I have to get used to the way this new body feels, as opposed to the bag of bones that I used to carry around. The problem that I always seem to have, is that I don't give myself enough time to adjust. I wish that I could have stayed in treatment long enough last year to get some more help with that part of recovery, because I think that this is the most frightening aspect of all. My gut reaction is to turn back now, before I lose control of everything. When I was in junior high, I went through a chubby period. I would come home to an empty house, turn on the television, and fill my loneliness with food. I was afraid of everything. If the doorbell rang, I was afraid to answer it. I think so much of those feeling can be attributed to the rape, and PTSD. The weight that I have gained, and those risidual feelings bring me right back to that frightened and lonely girl that I never wanted to be.


Dirty Laundry Diva said...

Pleasing ourselves is the hardest thing in the world to do and no woman is 100% happy with her body. It is truly and endless battle we fight.

Getting down to the heart of the issue is a big step. You are afraid, lonely and perhaps you feel unworthy. Work on breaking those views of yourself and the rest will follow.

Maddie said...

Whoa, your picture there is blowing my mind. That's just so exactly...something.

I'm so sorry this is such a struggle, but even a moment of okay is something to grasp onto. Don't turn back.

Sassy Mama Bear said...

Loving our own body is hard in so many ways and it is a challenge that many women face, so know you are not alone.

Sunny said...

I think you make a very valid really is VERY difficult to accept and adjust to the "new" body. I think you should write to the people at Renfrew and let them know what you're thinking about this. Everyone talks about how it's a psychological battle more than a physical one, BUT all the recovery methods focus on the physical...they're like, "If you're eating right and at a normal weight, you're okay," but that's not true at all.

My hardest challenge was stepping back from the urge to relapse and giving myself time to appreiciate (or sometimes just ignore) the changes that were going on with my body. It was SO HARD. I have to say, once I did step back, it got easier.

To be honest, my body is probably the last thing I think about anymore. It's so weird. I don't know how on earth I made it to this point, but I did. I know it was really hard and there were times when I didn't want to do it and other times when I just wanted to die, but I am here now and it's a good thing. I know you can get here too! :)

Love you tons...