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Saturday, February 21, 2009

And Still She Cannot Breathe

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This week has been so hard. I started out the week with a nightmare about my rape that then triggered some flashbacks. I hadn't had any flashbacks for awhile, so I was hoping that they were gone for good, but no such luck. It is horrible to be forced to relive such painful memories, especially when I work so hard to put it all behind me. Why is it so difficult to stay in the present? Is it because I haven't worked through all of the emotions that I need to work through? Yesterday, I had flashbacks off and on all day, and after every one, I would cry, and then I would feel so angry. Angry at the tears, and angry at what brought on the tears. Angry that I'm still dealing with this after so many years, and frustrated that I'm not better yet. I become so impatient with myself and my progress. I was even mad at my medication. Why wasn't it working? I was feeling great the week before, and now this...I couldn't understand why the healing was always so up and down.
I did have a good therapy session, and was able to actually talk about some details of the rape without totally losing my mind. That is definitely progress, and I feel like the more that I can talk it through with my therapist, the less power it will hold over me. I want so much to take back my power.

Held down and gagged
she fights to scream
Hoping this is only a dream
and still
she cannot breathe
and still
she cannot breathe

5 Comments:

clean and crazy said...

Thank you for sharing the fear and pain. I never let it out and it took a long time to heal. You are so very strong to share so much pain. I have left an award for you on my blog.

PinkLady said...

Angela, I wrote something for you in my blog today. You inspired me to finally write about it and share it with the world. I hope you'll have the time to read it.

Please don't hesitate to reach out to us. Writing it all down inn your blog is therapeutic but if you need to let off more steam, you can always email me. We, your friends in the blogging world, are always here to help and support you in whatever way we can.

I wish we can do more for you though. But this is a battle that you must face. Please don't ever think of running away from it again. You'll get through this one day and when you look back, you'll be very happy and fulfilled to know how strong you have become.

This too shall pass, Angela.

Much Love,

Bing (",)

Shaka Zulu said...

Wow, thank you for sharing. Stay strong. I've had PTSD following the Capitol Hill Massacre in Seattle in 2005. A big lesson I learned is that an attacker can only take from you what you give them. Your courage and strength will keep you above it all. Keep fighting.

Jennifer said...

Here to offer you a big *HUG*.

Sigurd said...

Angela,

My brother told me you found him on Facebook. I have never found the time to get on Facebook myself.

I found your blog. I am sorry for all that you have been through. Stay strong.

E-mail me, if you would like.

Sigurd